so very alone…

Sharing an office with Richard has been great for me — please don’t say “I told you so.” Ever since I started moving around as a kid, meeting new people got more and more difficult, and I got sucked into some kind of mental vortex. Whenever I talk to people, I become intensely — and painfully — aware of whatever I’m saying. It’s as if my inner voice is competing with my outer voice.  Imagine trying to have a conversation with one person while a different person shouts in your ear, “That’s a stupid thing to say! No, why would she care about your neighbor?” It makes it easier to be alone. And if you’re alone long enough, it makes it that much harder to be with people. In those rare cases when I do pull myself out of my intense self-criticism during a conversation, it’s usually because I’m angry. And that leads to shock and remorse.

But not with Richard. Not anymore. I can talk to her. We just had a long conversation about the LOTR movies. I got a little angry when he called Tom Bombadil “too faggy” — like he’s one to talk — but he didn’t allow my anger to ruin the conversation. It’s great.

Anyway, it feels like I’m breaking out of a negative cycle, and it’s only a matter of time before I become normal. That’s my greatest aspiration — normalcy. I just want to be a normal guy who talks to people and has relationships with people, and maybe even has sex. Right now, there are thousands of people having sex while I write this, and there will be thousands of people having sex while you read this. Is it so strange to think that I could be one of those thousands? The only thing I worry about is my penis size. I might really hurt someone.

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