Back when I first started my new job, I ran across a guy who works in the same building (not the same company). Since I didn’t give this guy a cheery smile, a salute, and a how-do-ya-do, he decided it was his right / obligation to insert himself into my life by telling me that I had dropped my smile, and had better pick it up.

Honestly, I do not understand how the theory of evolution allows for people who are nothing but asshole.

Anyway, I saw this guy again today, in the office condo parking lot. And while last time I saw him I was too shy and humiliated to reply to his unwarranted intrusion, that is no longer the case. He was walking toward the building from his car; I was walking to my car from the building. He did a Zig Ziggler-inspired smile and wave, and I said, “You should just leave people alone. Whether I am smiling or not is none of your concern.”

Or words to that effect. I think in the moment I might have stumbled a bit on the actual phrasing.

“I beg your pardon?” he replied. Who says “I beg your pardon?” Does he think he’s Jimmy Stewart or something?

So I explained to him, “The last time you saw me, you told me I had dropped my smile and to pick it up. You had no right to say anything like that. For all you know, my sister might have just died.” I wish.

“Hey, buck up there, little camper.” Yes, he really said that. I am dead serious. Which turns out to be a good thing, because the correct response occurred to me right there.

“Hey, fuck off there, you big asshole.” And then I pushed him. Palms out, against the chest. A get-out-of-my-face gesture.

And then he punched me. Three punches, only one of which I sort of deflected. Sternum, stomach, throat. I kind of blocked the one coming at my face, which is why it hit me in the throat.

I’m not absolutely certain, but I think it would have hurt worse if the blow had hit me in the face. Still, getting hit in the throat hurts a lot.

I sat down in the parking lot. I couldn’t breathe. For a minute I thought I was going to die. Then I was able to breathe again, and I was sure he had broken a rib.

The doctor says nothing’s broken, though. Just a bruise.

Mary says I should press charges, but I just want to put this episode behind me.