The Worst of Times
Posted by harlan on 13 May 2008 at 08:22 am | Tagged as: talking to the void
I feel awful.
I left a bag of rotten chicken hearts hanging from Bertha’s door knob, and haven’t heard a peep from her.
Last weekend, after spending so much time holed up in my condo, I decided to “get out there” and go downtown. People like my sister are always saying “get out there” as if that’s the magic elixir. It’s not. If I had a decent life coach, he would have said, “You’re in no shape to get out there. You need to hole up for awhile. It’s best for everyone.”
So I was downtown alone. I went into a restaurant to eat lunch and ordered food to go. It was a simple meal — chicken teriyaki with fried rice – but there was more plastic and cardboard than food. I sat at a bench by a bus stop to eat the meal. Cigarette butts were all over the ground. My drink was watered down. Some cyclist riding by hocked a loogie in the gutter.
The meal was bland.
Even though I was still hungry, I wrapped up the rest of the food and was going to throw it away. The bundle was too big to fit in the little hole on the top of the trash can. I tried to jam it in. Then I just hurled the whole mess high into the middle of the street, where a car ran over it right away as a different car honked. I assume they were honking at me, but you never know.
A woman pushing a baby stroller said, “You shouldn’t litter.”
A few minutes later, I thought of the line I should have said: “You shouldn’t breed.”
Rotten chicken hearts? You shouldn’t breed, either.
it happens me too…i get the best lines after the moment is over ….. but rotten chicken hearts !!!!….thats sick,if u really did it ,…but funnily i think u didnt ….
Did you save any of those chicken hearts? I suggest that you take a photo of them and send it to Amy so she can post it on her blog.
No worry Asshat. I think Harlan’s chances for breeding just dropped from 2% back down to nil.
Rotten chicken hearts, eh? How precious.
Another Phoenix story: My office was just a couple miles from my apartment, so I usually came home to have lunch. This hot little number had a parking space next to mine, and she must have had a job that started at 1:00 PM, because we were usually headed to our cars about the same time on weekdays. Boy she was hot, but she was young enough to be my daughter.
One day I was heading back to work, and there she was, slowly circling her car, obviously distressed. I asked her if there was anything I could do to help her, and she just pointed downward.
I looked down, and there was some kind of baby bird (a duckling, perhaps?) that looked like it had been crushed with a bat. Then my eye caught another one. And another. It was no accident: Some depraved asshole had killed sixteen baby birds and put them around her car.
She said she’d just broken up with who she lovingly refered to as “Psycho Norman Bates from Hell” and boy she wasn’t kidding. This little gift of kindness had her shaking in her shoes. I wasn’t even involved and it rattled the crap out of me.
Anyway, we called the cops, which was a joke. We should have called PETA.
That evening just after I got home from work, she knocked at the door and asked me if I’d just come over to her apartment and hang around. Two hours later she had her clothes and belongings packed and was headed back to her parents. Nice kid.
“I left a bag of rotten chicken hearts hanging from Bertha’s door knob, and haven’t heard a peep from her.”
thats so sweet!! if someone left me that on my door, **I** would call right away!!
I think you should bring back the “isolation score”
Where’d you get the rotting chicken hearts?
Let’s here about the new job.
If you know the right people, getting animal parts isn’t hard at all.
Wow. That bad of a writers block that you had to invent something like hanging rotten chicken hearts. Stay holed up. Don’t write.
That’s true. I’ve even gotten animal parts at Walmart.
Are you medicated? You should be.
“A woman pushing a baby stroller said, “You shouldn’t litter.”
A few minutes later, I thought of the line I should have said: “You shouldn’t breed.””
Yeah. People who actually have a sense of social responsibiity usually make lousy parents.
serial killer in the making
Frankly I’m appalled. Chicken hearts and tossing your take-out into traffic? Did you really think that eating alone in the park would count as getting out there? Who did you think you were going to meet in that situation? When was the last time you really stepped outside your comfort zone? Even in the sushi restaurant, you didn’t make an effort to be open-minded or understand the food. I don’t think you actually want to be happy. I think you are more comfortable being miserable and feeling like the victim all the time. Your writing certainly seems to suggest that you thrive on it.
When & why did I start reading this blog? Why obviously being more important than the when….
Of all the blogs I’ve read, the most interesting ones, the ones that atract and hold a following are the ones where the blogger is experiencing difficult times.
…dont breed huh…wow ,we need to get you some help fast ..Are you angry at something ?Just an observation
I think that if someone I just happened to dump left a bag of rotten chicken hearts on my door knob I would immediately call him and beg him to marry me. That was so wise Harlan.
Excellent post, Harlan! Don’t forget about that snappy comeback (”You shouldn’t breed”) yet. You can still use it. Re-enact the scene. Buy carry-out and throw your trash in the street. You may have to do it more than once. Sooner or later someone will say, “You shouldn’t litter,” and you’ll be ready. Word to the wise: You may want to prepare snappy comebacks to “What an a**hole!”, “Look, honey, a sociopath!”, et cetera. Be prepared! That’s the Boy Scout motto!
It appears that the chicken-heart incident has caused a drop-off in the usual “go Harlan” cheerleading. Are you ladies no longer having sexy-bag-boy-who-doesn’t-know-how-sexy-he-is fantasies about Harlan after this?
Harlan - Who’s goin chicken huntin?
I’m in the Harlan is a sociopath camp. Do you ever think about what other people are feeling, Harlan, or do you spend all your time reflecting on how other peoples’ actions affect you?
Speaking of ‘not breeding’ Harlan, what are you doing tonight?
Dave is right, it is wednesday. Do rotten chicken hearts count as foreplay?
I think the chicken heart thing is just a very, very clumsy metaphor. At least, I hope so.
Asshat, you’ve insulted me for the last time. I’m not going to comment any more (today).
Oh, come on, Leland. You’re still my inspiration. I’m just a little unbalanced since Ernest checked out. In your honor I’m going out to Wal-mart tomorrow and buying a box of frozen cubed steaks.
What is it with people? Nobody forces you to read this blog. How miserable you must be to actively seek out a blog you don’t like and carry on reading it day after day. What a bunch of fucktards.
Re the actual post, I know the feeling so well (except the rotting chicken hearts…), that absolute lethargy followed by massive disappointment when you actually try to do something. Writing helps. xx
so you feel bad for a dog hanging around outside, but you put chicken, what hearts?, on someones door?????
ok that makes sense