Ultimatum
Posted by harlan on 04 May 2008 at 04:15 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
I finally settled on a letter for Bertha. Once I decided to stop trying to write in poetic language and just let my feelings out, the words began to flow.
Dear Bertha,
My heart is broken. I feel our love slipping away.
Our relationship has taken me places that I never knew existed. Before I was with you, I had mistakenly believed the heights of love could only be reached between two perfect beings, and yet it is our very imperfections that draw us together and tighten our bond. When I think of how your whole body jiggles when you laugh or how your lip curls when you’re mad at me, my heart soars.
You and I both know our relationship isn’t ideal. I have ignored you at times, and you’ve somehow convinced yourself that it’s perfectly fine to have sex with other people. We’ve even yelled and called each other unspeakable names.
Despite all this, I value our intimacy above everything. When I’m with you, I am far from alone. I want to be with you. It breaks my heart that you seem so willing to treat our love in such a casual manner.
I must give you a choice. Either be with me — and be with me only — or never see me again.
Love,
Harlan
After I composed this letter, I wrote it out by hand, added my scent to it, and send it by mail. I can’t wait for her answer. In other words, I anxiously await her reply.
My translation of your letter:
Hey Bertha. I like sex. I like sex with you. I like it if you’d only have sex with me. Can we have more sex? Like, now? kthxbai
Personally, I would hate to know I jiggled and my lip curled. I hope Bertha knows you enjoy a little junk in the trunk or else she might be a tad offended.
PS: “added my scent to it”
What. The. Fuck.
Masterful! Even E.B. Browning wouldn’t have thought to put in the parts about the curling lip or the jiggling body. I’m sure you’ll get the answer to your ultimatum that that letter deserves. But when you said you added your scent to it, for some reason I couldn’t help picturing a wolverine raising its tail.
You sound like a retarded dog in heat. “added my scent to it”…what did you do, piss on it?
Total. Moron.
I love you, Harlan!
Scent? PLEASE don’t tell me I don’t want to know. So can you stick to the ultimatum?
Back in the early ’90s I was looking for an apartment down in Phoenix. Found a nice little place in a good part of town, the price was right and the apartment manager was a foxy little number.
We walked into the apartment that she had available to rent and the unmistakable, ungodly stench of death nearly knocked me to my knees. The scent was like a steak gone bad in the fridge, only a hundred times stronger.
Without thinking I blurted out, “What the hell happened in here, did somebody die and decompose?”
“I’m not at liberty to discuss that” was her reply.
I turned around and made a beeline for my car. I didn’t even say goodbye.
Solve for x, Puzzle Boy.
Don’t expect to like her reply. It isn’t going to be pretty.
Using “jiggle” when describing a woman’s body is not very nice. I would be so offended and self-conscious and I expect she will feel that way too. Oh well, too late now. I just hope that she doesn’t think you’re mocking her or purposely trying to hurt her with this letter.
That’s a really touching letter Harlan. Sure, the jiggling bit is a little offensive but at least it’s honest. Please stick to your ultimatum.
Harlan, are you a girl? I would be completely turned off if my man wrote me a letter like that. And who knew they still made Brut Aftershave Lotion…
ok man if some guy told me he liked the way i “jiggled” when i laughed i would
1. loose 10 pounds and;
2. never laugh around him again
but it’s kinda cute!
i like the ultimatum, no fucking around for you.
Best letter ever.
But yeah, what Donna W said. Bertha’s going to tell you to suck an egg.
I think its an amazing letter…. A-mazing. Something I would love to receive…. Anyway, all the best to you…
If the “whole body jiggles” when she laughs, what the heck happens when the dryer starts up??? No, Don’t Answer!
Adding your scent - nice touch.
I have been trying to decide for a while if you are just pathetic, or a very inventive writer spinning a fictional tale of woe.. well todays post made up my mind. You have to be making this stuff up, no one is that stupid.
When are you going to be announcing your book deal?
awfully brilliant. brilliantly awful.
I couldn’t agree more with Lisa.
Although who would actually spend money on this crap? That’s why we read his blog. It’s like watching a train wreck.
Wow, you can’t be serious.
Uh….probably should have left the “jiggle” out.
You need to go become better friends with Richard, then run everything by him first. If this truly is the letter you wrote.
Was the scent Desperation? cause that letter sort of reeked of it.
haha.. this is awesome, no one can deny you’re creative for sure!
The letter reeked of B.S., Sister. With maybe a slight after-whiff of Herb’s apartment.
Harlan, I’d like to point out to you that there is a girl, she calls herself drumgirl, who seems to have a lot of interest in you. Why don’t you try to find out who she is?
wouldn’t it be freaky if it’s bertha..??
Maybe it’s Harlan.
That’s actually a very good letter. A little pathetic, perhaps, in the level of longing and emotional dependence it expresses, but a little honesty goes a long way.
Could it be that ‘Harlan’ did, in fact, have a pair of balls and a spine all along, and has finally figured out how to use them?
Frankly, if ‘Bertha’ doesn’t like it, fuck her and the dildo she rode in on.
I heartily approve.
*opens another bag of popcorn*
I hope I puke soon so the nausea will go away.
You should have said, “You’re the best piece of ass I ever had; how ’bout being my full-time hump?”
She’s the only piece he’s ever had. And not even of ass, because that’s reserved for somebody who’s got some other day of the week.
“Drumgurl” is really Richard.
Damn. Now I’ve got to look up all the comments by Drumgurl.
FK
Dear Bertha,
www.soveryalone.com
Balls out,
Harlan
I think this letter would be totally appropriate if you were 17. This site, and your life, is so painful because you’ve been emotionally stunted by avoiding relationships.
Might I suggest that you try and take it easy with the love-letter writing until your emotional maturity catches up with your age?
Good for you for setting an ultimatum… Hopefully she’ll realize that you care for her and give it a go without that whole sex-with-others thing. Everyone deserves that much respect.
This is the set-up for B to google the text of the letter and discover this blog.
Dude you DON’T have a relationship. Some fat ugly really weird chick had sex with you a couple of times and she moved on. Grow the hell up. Seriously.
I’m glad you finally decided to break up with her… by making her break up with you. I don’t see her being monogamous any time soon