About Last Night
Posted by harlan on 01 May 2008 at 10:16 am | Tagged as: talking to the void
I was determined not to see Bertha last night for reasons you could imagine. So I rented a porno and pulled all my window shades down and was all set to spend a quiet evening with just me and Little Harlan.
I changed my mind.
I used to have this notion that I was completely in charge of what I do. My body is a steamship and I’m the captain. The longer I live, the more I think my body is a flotilla, and I’m a frightened passenger clutching a fake steering wheel on the deck of one of the ships, wondering where we’re going and why the hell we don’t turn away from those rocks up ahead (aft). All I can do is shout and spin the wheel. Sometimes the ships turns. And sometimes it doesn’t.
Bertha was expecting me. And here’s the thing. I don’t think it’s healthy to have sex when there are so many issues to sort out, even when neither person says a single word during the encounter.
When I left, I felt emptier than I would have felt if I’d watched the porno.
Our relationship is dying. I need to feel loved again. I know how futile it is for me to talk through issues in person, so I’m going to spend the rest of the day composing the most beautiful love letter ever written.
The love letter’s a good idea, but send it to somebody other than Bertha.
good idea.. post it here first for us to proof read it.
I got what I wanted.
LOL Little Harlan. To big Harlan, I hope you start thinking with your brain soon and tell Bertha “sayonara”.
Um am I the only one that thinks it is weird that they are having sex every Wednesday?
lol.. i usually get a text for sunday nights @ 11
maybe not that strange, it is hump day after all.
I can’t believe that you actually hump on hump day.
Stop being the victim and start taking control. Start by making a single good decision. Suggestion: write the letter and then burn it. Accept that your thoughts and feelings are completely under your own control. Events in your life might not be but you can choose how to react to them. If you choose to be miserable, the universe will perpetuate that, if only because that is what you choose to focus on.
Also, what’s with all the spam comments? They’re driving me nuts!
Looks like the online casinos tracked Harlan down and are trying to lull him back.
Annoying indeed.
But not half as annoying as reading that Harlan’s writing a love letter to someone who left him feeling more empty than a night alone with porn.
Harlan, show some balls and DUMP BERTHA. Don’t waste time writing love letters to someone you do not love and who clearly does not love you.
If you want to be Bertha’s Wednesday gigolo then do it. Have fun poking the cow. Be the wolverine, be the bear, be the beaver, be the fireman, whatever. But keep this in mind:
SHE DOESN’T GIVE A RAT’S ASS ABOUT YOU.
SHE DOES NOT LOVE YOU.
moshizzle is really over the top
I think you guys are being too hard on Bertha. Give her a chance.
Yeah, I think Moshizzle’s been reading too much Eckhart Tolle. Or too much Bertha.
Jill, I realize it’s hard for you, but please try to follow the plot.
Much better, Harlan.
Jill, you cannot be serious….
When it comes to Bertha, I believe I speak for the vast majority of the audience of this blog when I say, “Tits or GTFO!”
I think Bertha needs a good beating.
Um,
Doesn’t Aft mean behind?
WTF. Seriously!
Dearest Bertha,
A Wednesday without you would be like a morning without the sunrise….
GO HARLAN GO!!!!!!
Why on earth would you write her a love letter????????
Also, isn’t more like a joystick?? ANd old one that is stiff and doesn’t quite move you where you want to go.
You got one thing right, not good to have sex in an unhealhty relationship.
we should compose the letter for him. Group effort.
ok…first time visitor and i am lost! it was interesting enough to come back, but i need someone to fill me in on the plot!
You’re a great writer, Harlan. I bet your love letter will count for a lot. Is it meant for B.? Will you be sharing it with your friends here? Might you consider posting a draft version to get feedback? Not that you want market research to void it of individuality and charm, but it might be helpful to hear what plays and what doesn’t — especially from the ladies. You could even break the comments down by respondent category. Along with their opinions, commenters could also give their age category (20’s, 30’s, …) and their profile type, either: 1) enjoys dinner out with fine wine and sparkling conversation, valuing intimacy, but when alone might read Jane Austen, sipping tea, or 2) parties like a rock star, debauched as can be, and on rare quiet evenings at home watches “Hitch the Rich Bachelor” or some other debased proxy for romance.
My own experience may not translate well, but I once got a favorable reaction from the word callipygous. I should add that I was going for a Type 1 with just enough 2 in her to keep things lively.
I’ll take one for the team and save ya’ll some trouble. Callipygous - “having a beautifully proportioned buttocks” or “with beautiful buttocks.” I don’t imagine B’s picture anywhere on this page of the dictionary.
Commenters I pray
Don’t say B.’s butt’s humongous
Instead please say
She’s anti-callipygous
H, you’re dating yourself (pun aknowledged) by calling it “porno.”
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