I haven’t slept more than a couple hours the past couple days.

On Wednesday night, I was wondering what made me ask Bertha marry me. I just kind of blurted the question, without really considering what it implies, other than that if she was married to me, she wouldn’t be screwing Thurston on non-Wednesday nights (Maybe Thurston has Thursdays, and some other guy [who I’ll call Fred] gets Fridays, and so forth).

By Thursday, though, I was unable to sleep for an entirely different reason: I was freaked out about what if she says "Yes?"

More than anything else in the world, I want to be married and have kids, but I’m not sure Bertha’s the one. I at least need more time.

It’s too bad I had to go and open my big mouth, because otherwise things are going so great right now. I love my new job. Really, I should say that I love one part about my new job: scanning the internet usage logs, seeing what people are browsing.

First of all, I was glad to see that nobody at work has visited soveryalone.com. So I don’t have to worry about whether I’m being read by a coworker. Second, I am amazed at how much time everyone in the office is spending browsing the web. I doubt that there is a single person here who spends less than 4.5 hours a day browsing.

Here are some examples.

Stan is a gadget freak. He bounces from Gizmodo to Engadget to TechCrunch to NewEgg to buy.com. Almost continuously. Based on the number of times per week he goes from the product page to a secure connection, I’m guessing his house is full of shiny things.

Larry loves politics and news, and is apparently a big Clinton supporter, though it looks like he hasn’t been able to give up the dailykos.com habit. I feel sorry for Larry.

Donna shops and follows entertainment. She hits TMZ.com an unhealthy number of times per day, and Googles celebrity names nearly constantly. The combination of words she’s searched in conjunction with the term "stanley tucci" is probably the clearest cry for help I have ever seen.

Devin, my boss, may actually be the second worst offender of all. To his credit, a lot of the time he’s on the web he’s looking at competitor sites and doing research on new marketing scams schemes. But he spends five times as much time reading ESPN.com. I swear, he must reload the Page2 section 200 times per day, just praying that Bill Simmons has posted something in the past three minutes.

And then there’s Mary, the evangelical who tried to convert me when I introduced myself.

Holy shit.

She starts at some evangelical site, evidently gets herself worked up about the sins of lust and fornication, and then she’s on her way over to persiankitty.com. She bounces around there (not literally as far as I know) for a while and then, maybe feeling guilty, heads on over to an online bible.

And get this: Mary works in a cubicle. Just like pretty much everyone here. But of course she has the back of the monitor facing the cubicle entrance, so you can’t see what she’s looking at.

Or at least, she thinks we can’t see what she’s looking at.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with this information, but I like having it.