I CAN’T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD I GUESS
Posted by harlan on 19 Apr 2008 at 12:04 am | Tagged as: talking to the void
EVERYBODY’S GIVING ME SO MUCH SHIT ABOUT MY TROPHY. SO FINE HERE’S WHAT HAPPENED. I DINDN’T GET ANYTHING FORM THE BLOGGY PEOPLE. THEY DIDN’T EVEN EMAIL ME WHEN I WON. AND THEY SURE AS SHIT DIND’T GIVE ME THE MONEY THEY PROMISED ME. BUT I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE MONEY. I JUST WANTED SOMETHING THAT PROVES I WON WHAT I WON. SOMETHING PHYSICAL THAT SHOWS THAT FOR ONCE IN MY LIFEI DID SOMETHING REALLY GOOD. SO I WENT TO A WEBSITE AND I BOUGHT A TROPHY. AND THEN OF COURSE EVERYONE STARTS DUMPING ON ME ABOUT IT I GUESS BECAUSE IT MAKES ME HAPPY OR I GUESS I SHOULD SAY THAT IT USED TO MAKE ME HAPPY BECAUSE I COULDN’T KEEP IT WHERE ANYONE COULD SEE ITANYWAY, SO I KEPT IT IN MY DESK DRAWER BUT NOW I THREW IT AWAY BECAUES LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE NOW IT JUST REMINDS ME OF HOW STUPID IF EEL. AND OF COURSE EVERYONE HAS TO GO AND START PLAYING DETECTIVE ABOUT IF ANYONE ELSE GOT A TROPHY AND OF COURSE THEY DIDN’T WHICH GIVES ALL OF YOU HILARIOUS COMMENTERS ANOTHER THING TO TRASH ME ON. WELL HAVE FUN MAKING ME FEEL LIKE CRAP YOU BUNCH OF ASSHOLES.
Wow, all in upper case..
Podium
You only spent $4 on it and it wasn’t even real glass? Dude, you already didn’t have anything good. I already told you I got the $20.08. They had no idea I wasn’t you. And because of your bad attitude, I’m keeping it.
Somebody had a few too many wine coolers at the Black Cat Cove last night.
Harlan :) you’re so sweet. But.. grow up already.
fuck yeah, you tell those assholes, H.
Could someone please tell me why Harlan is so pissed.
Because he was ratted out.
You won the award out of how many unknown blogs? And you’re whining?
Harlan,
I enjoy reading your website everyday and there are probably a ton of people out there like me judging by the fact that you won in the first place. Unfortunately, you just sold your goat for cheap as my mom used to say because you gave the asshat commenters the reaction they were looking for. Just enjoy your accomplishment for what it is and ignore the idiots who have nothing better to do then work on ways to get your goat all day. Your life is obviously more fulfilling then theirs since you have an award winning website and they don’t.
And while I am de-lurking, please go over to B’s house, barge in with a bottle of wine and some chocolates and apologize. A comment about weight to a woman who is already sensitive, from a man she has feelings for, will crush the spirit of any woman. You may see your comment as equal to hers about therapy but to a woman, nothing is as defeating as a comment about weight especially after just having sex where I assume she was naked. She is probably picturing the sex after the fact and thinking all you focused on the whole time was her weight. If you really care for her, re-create the last scene of Pretty Woman or something. Only a big gesture will win in this instance.
Erin
Harlan, you’re hilarious! If things don’t work out with B or the FedEx trucker chick, call me.
Harlan, I think your Caps Lock is on.
Harlan, don’t you look at this blog every day? Doesn’t that serve as a reminder of your supreme vicotry?
Harlan, thank you for calling me a hilarious commenter, but I’d rather be called “hilariest commenter.” Once I solidify sole possesion of this title, I’m going to do something special for myself.
Harlan, I hope you didn’t throw the trophy away at work.
Harlan, I hope you also busted up in B’s face last night like you did here.
Harlan, why didn’t you get the for yourself?
Harlan, what you should have done is to get a really nice trophy (such as the crystal jade Greek column trophy: http://www.trophy.com/Crystal-Column-Award?sc=14&category=67) and then just left it blank. Then you could have proudly displayed it and if anyone asked about it, you could just say, “Oh that old thing? I saved the mayor of my hometown from a burning building….”
Harlan, you are soooo weird. Who, in God’s name, buys themselves a trophy? That may be the MOST pathetic thing I’ve read on your blog to date. And that’s saying a lot, given all of the shit you’ve been up to.
But keep it up…I’m addicted.
I was having a hard time telling whether it was Lalique, Waterford, or Tupperware. Guess it doesn’t matter now.
You won the Bloggie, dude. Nobody can take that away from you. Think about that.
Are you lashing out at us, your blogosphere family and friends, because you can get away with not doing it in person? Why do you suddenly feel guilty about this lie? I think it’s sad that you flamed us all in public on your own website, especially when some of us clearly don’t care whether or not you won a real trophy. And considering that many of us voted for you to win that award, perhaps you wish you hadn’t won the award at all. Why do you continue to engage in behaviour that is going to make you feel worse over the long-term? There’s some sort of self-destructive disconnect going on there. And I’m not being hypocritical. I’m identifying with you.
Man, you’re CAPS LOCK bitching at the people who gave you that award. And you’re getting away with it. Harlan, you’re a clever guy.
I would like to clarify something for those people who don’t understand what a “kept secret blog” is. It’s one of those blogs where you don’t know who wrote it because the guy hides his identity perfectly, he doesn’t tell his friends, he doesn’t tell his readers, he’s a perfect mistery. It’s not the blog with the fewest hits (it would be absurd if it were because any password-protected blog would meet the criteria). And Harlan got the prize because a) he hides his identity perfectly and b) because he writes so very cool. Best kept secret blog is a cool prize to have, end of story.
Harlan, I’m at the end of my rope with you.
You forgot your isolation score.
Daaaaaaaaaamn
Harlan, sometimes when blogs hit a low point (which yours evidently has as a lot of witless people are de-lurking to give you insipid advice) it sometimes helps to have a contest to brighten things up. Have you considered maybe awarding a prize for “the most hilariest commenter?” You already have an account at that trophy website so you could get another trophy to give away. I suggest this one, http://www.trophy.com/Resin-Trophy-Awards?range=193%2C194%2C194
Hm. Most hilariest commenter, eh? That’s a toughie, especially since most of Harlan’s regular commenters fall into the trying-way-too-hard-to-be-funny-and-failing-tremendously category. But maybe there could be a trophy for *that*…
I sent myself roses on Valentine’s Day once. I can relate, Harlan.
In fact, I think that’s why this blog is so popular - whether Harlan is real or not, we can all identify with these sad, socially-inept moments on some level.
Author: Alexsei? Way too obvious.
Damn Ass, we’ve all been named “Asshat commentors”. I welcome you as my leader. Do you mind if I continue to be the Queen of Vitriol?
WHO BUYS THEMSELVES FUCKING TROPHIES, LIES ABOUT IT AND THEN GETS ALL PISSED OFF CUZ PEOPLE CALL YOU OUT ON IT?
YOU’RE A SELF IMPOSED VICTIM WHO LIES, STEALS, STALKS WOMEN AND RATS PEOPLE OUT. IT DOESN”T GET WORSE THAN YOU. YOU DESERVE TO BE ALONE. IN FACT YOU DESERVE TO GET YOUR ASS KICKED!
I will turn off my caps now.
I don’t know, Crackjob. I don’t really think that the purpose of this blog is to allow the readers to identify with Harlan’s social ineptness. I think the purpose of this blog is to solicit comments from girls who want to give Harlan advice on how to improve himself (like getting a dog) and his relationship (like bringing chocolates to that disgusting Bertha). We’re either supposed to give well-meant sisterly advice or cheer. Anything else is just too disturbing.
I’ll get back to you on that, Lilly. Right now, I’m trying to visualize the final scene from Pretty Woman with Harlan and Bertha in the lead roles. Frankly, it’s the hilariest thing I can imagine.
Ass, wouldn’t that final scene call for Bertha to climb out of a window onto a fire escape? Unless she has the good sense to grease up her sides, I’m pretty sure this final scene would be of the fire department being called to rescue a huge, hairy, pissed off he/she stuck in a window-casing with Harlan crying hysterically at the bottom of the stairs screaming that she is making him ‘FEEL LIKE CRAP’ and how he can ‘NEVER HAVE ANYTHING GOOD’!
Harlan, you need to calm down. Of all the things you could be mad at your commenters for, this trophy issue would not be it. We have all said way worse things on other topics.
And everyone here is hilarious wether or not they are tyring to be.
I think that the first recipient of crackjob’s new trophy should be Lilly.
I’m thinking Chuck got it right with his first comment of the day. Harlan, is this a case of bibulous blogging? Did you tipple and type?
I know, in vino veritas and all that, but it’s a bit of a risk. You’re obviously upset. I have to think, though, that some of the other commenters have got the right take. You did win the award. That’s yours no matter what.
As for the reaction to your trophy from the gallery, I wouldn’t sweat that so much. I can see how my own comment might have offended you, but I did mean it in that half-joking way we know each other to have.
I certainly can’t speak for everyone, but I’m guessing that quite a few of the commenters here like to laugh with you more than at you.
I have to be honest. I think more of us like to laugh AT Harlan. He reminds us that there are other people more messed up than we are.
Well said, Ernest.
Is there no limit to these homologs? I suppose we should be thankful my friend Randy hasn’t weighed in yet (though with this bunch he may be redundant).
Yes, Ernest, could you please shoo these homologs out of here? They must have followed you in.
Lilly, all your sins are forgiven.
Aleksei, YOU TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW! I thought the “Bloggies” were kind of like the “Razzies” for movies. All this time I thought Harlan got the award for having such a trainwreck of a blog…SHIT, now I’m depressed.
Crackjob, you better watch out, Lilly’s might kick yer ass for saying stuff like that.
I think everyone’s sentiments are well-placed. Harlan, we helped you win the award, we liked your blog, and we still like it. Yelling at your readers was stupid, and I agree that you’re frustrated with your whole life and are taking it out on us. No one was trying to provoke you, we’re all just joking around with each other. You shouldn’t have thrown the trophy away, though. Where the hell did you find a trophy for $4?
I’m confused. I went through your comments on the bloggy post, and granted I skimmed, I didn’t catch anyone calling you out.
But that is right- you are giving them what they want. On my other blog we had our first troll visitor. I just deleted her ass without a second thought. Why give them anything.
And stop feeling sorry for yourself! You won, that’s all that matters. Find your happiness in that.