The State of My Social Life
Posted by harlan on 18 Apr 2008 at 12:26 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
I haven’t seen the FedEx girl since Wednesday. If I close my eyes at night, I can see her perfectly. During the day, with all the other distractions, her image fades from my mind and gets so distorted that she doesn’t seem real. Whenever that FedEx truck pulls into the parking lot, it’s all I can do to not run out to greet it, like back when the ice cream truck chimed through our neighborhood. When she hops out of the van, it all comes back in a flash of warmth. She’s a goddess.
Those cigarette breaks are the best part of my day.
I haven’t seen Janet at the racquetball courts since the time we played. I keep hoping to see her so that I can give her a gift that I got for her. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to spend much time at the gym because I’ve been working late. Most of it isn’t actual work. I’ve been monitoring other workers’ internet habits, which is an addictive time sink. I’m getting to know my co-workers.
I called Bertha a few times to apologize again for suggesting that she should lose weight. She hasn’t returned my calls. Here’s what I meant to say — her telling me to fix my problems by going to therapy was as stupid as someone telling her that she should lose weight by being dragged in mud behind a jeep. It’s actually a good analogy if you think about it. Both techniques may or may not work, but they definitely involve humiliation that far exceeds any benefits. The problem is that she took it personally.
And I shouldn’t have called her names. I used one name that rhymes with her real name — if her name were Trumpet, it’s as if I called her a strumpet — and I called her a savage dictator. She shouldn’t have called me a “wretched thief” and a “mealy slug.” I need to get thicker skin to cope with these lovers’ quarrels.
Isolation score: 5
I hope this works out for you but she comes across as controlling and not in a good way. It would be one thing is she just suggested therapy. My husband has suggest it to me as well. But to just say “I’m making an appointment for you because you have intamacy issues.” That’s insane. Either she accpects you or she doesn’t.
All I really want to know is her real name.
TRIPPY!!!
She called you a thief??? did you tell her about the pens? or was it the camping gear? anyway. You should rather start telling us good things about Bertha, because it seems to me that your love for her is based on the fact she has a vagina and she was willing to let you in it.
You can’t be real, right? For real. If that is an ok lovers quarrel… please rethink how you want your relationships to be. Name calling is ugly and mean regardless of who is doing it.
Thicker skin is not needed, learning to fight nicely is.
Deloris? lol! No, really… what does it rhyme with, this will drive me crazy.
Mut? Tut?
Bore? Lore?
Trollup..what does that rhyme with?
I think her name is Mulva.
He called her ‘Girtha’ which rhymes with Murtha, so her name really is Bertha!
[checks google]
Oh, wait. Murtha is a US Congressman. For some reason I thought he was a South American dictator.
It’s Dahlin, to rhyme with Stalin!
And dn’t give a gift to Janet or she’ll start acting like a savage dictator to you.
Floozy, for Susie? Doubtful.
Bawd, for Maude? Too old-fashioned.
Harlot, for Charlotte? Now that one’s possible.
Sol, what other kind of love is there?
I’m confident you’ll guess the rhyme correctly, Ernest.
I’m very optimistic that Ernest will solve the puzzle.
Well, even if he doesn’t solve it we all should be kind to him and be very grateful that he tried.
Her name is Mutt. Her name is Flor. Her name is DuckWad.
Harlan, did you photoshop the g.d. statue? Somehow, out of all the lies, that idea pisses me off.
Harlan, I think there may be a glitch with some of the comments from the last post…
Hanna Spector, you’re saying this blog isn’t real becuase someone called their lover a name? You’re joking, right?
I think if he’d photoshopped it, Fran, it’d look more like the Stanley Cup.
I’d still like to know who stole my car. Not suggesting it was you. All thieves are wretched.
And it’s Lenore.
Harlan, you should go to therapy and Bertha should be dragged in the mud behind a jeep.
Her name is Mitch!!
I agree cb in nm. Mitch it is. I’ve thought all along that Bertha really is a man. And I really think H has been describing to us his first ever homosexual experience, with a bit of added fiction to convince us otherwise. I also think this new fantasy about the fed ex “women,” well, that’s a load of crap too. She’s a he. I’ve never seen a hot fed ex delivery woman, but I’ve seen plenty of beautiful men drivin’ them trucks :)
Her name is Runt!
Author: WHAT ABOUT THE TROPHY?!?
Asshat, I think E is closer to the mark. My first thought was something heinous as well but, knowing H, it’s unlikely to have been anything worse than “troll” or “hag” or “stupid”. That must mean her name is “mole” or “bag” or “cupid”.
Steve, what about the love based on real *HAWT* sex??
anyway, I think her name is Betty and he called her Fatty.
I’m calmly waiting here for Ernest because I know he will come up with better rhymes than Moshizzle’s.
Patience, he already did. That was kind of my point.
Moshizzle, I’m just a homolog. Give me a break.
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