My Trophy Arrived!
Posted by harlan on 15 Apr 2008 at 11:35 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
Most of the time, I don’t understand how I won a Bloggie. I suspect that people voted for my blog over well-designed, well-written, uplifting blogs…like Greeblemonkey, Das Becca, and That Night…as a joke. You know, kind of the way you voted for Carrie as prom queen because you thought it would be funny to pour pig’s blood on her.
Has anyone else ever wondered how that scene would have played out if Carrie didn’t have telekinesis? She would have walked home and started a blog about how crappy her life was, that’s how it would have played out.
But you know what? Yesterday I got a package in the mail.
It’s beautiful. I find myself looking at it more often than I probably should.
Its funny, you would imagine a blog award to be something digital, not some actual physical award.
It is beautiful, and deserved, I think. My best-kept secret: you and I are the same person. I am a deranged middle-aged techie who has an affinity for Chunkers that smell like, in the words of Brian Griffin “bad meat or good cheese”. Too, they have to slump and be hairy. That’s my cup of tea.
Also, I often fantasize about Moshizzle and Asshat being the same person. If this indeed comes into fruition, can I please call you Mo’ Ass? Because that would be awesome.
That’s a fine looking thing, Harlan. Those folks at South by Southwest have great taste in hunks of glass. Or is that lucite? Did the $20.08 arrive with the Major Award?
Mo’Ass is great, but Moshizzle and I are not the same, sadly. She has much more wisdom. It is nice to hear that someone somewhere is fantacizing about me.
Congratulations, Harlan. Whatever people think about your blog, you can’t say that isn’t damned entertaining. Well deserved.
I love the award. I LOVE that you finally posted a picture. Of something. But, you need to take it from further away so the writing isn’t blurry. Then blow up in photoshop. Or, where you just shaking a tad when snapped. Congrats. And I thought it was $2008?
Best,
Lara
You took that picture with your phone, didn’t you? How about next a nice photo of the 2 properly neutered cats.
Congrats H! For the record, I didn’t vote for you as a joke. I always vote seriously. For crying out loud, as a serious Liberal, I had to vote for Bob Rae last month rather than throw away my vote on the Green Party! That won’t mean anything to anyone but Em, and perhaps not even her.
I also think it’s lovely that someone is fantasizing about me. I fantasize about the blog entry that Asshat and I would write if we ever met. We could use the Harlan-esque style and come up with something fabulously inane and train wreck-esque. Although I suspect Asshat would have to do most of the writing. I have some ideas though. We could meet at a sushi restaurant where we would create a giant melodrama scene and then one or both of us would throw up sunomono salad. Then we’d have to go back to my apartment and do laundry immediately to get the green stains out. And while waiting for the dryer, we’d have xerus-like sex with the FedEx guy who is named Ernest. 10 months later we’d have an erudite, verbose baby named Asshizzle.
You’d better hide that thing, fast, before B barges in and snags a peek.
(Congrats!)
Awhile back you talked about how you comment on your blog as moshizzle or asshat and a few other names to get the coversation started….. That entry has stuck with me, so now whenever I see those names on your blog in the comments I always think to myself about it really being you posting….so freaking clever….
Ashizzle? Nevertheless, again, felicitations to the blog author.
The collabo blog is a great idea, Moshizzle, but we’d never agree on the spelling.
You say you’re looking at it more than you should. You better not be setting us up for a post about how much this trophy excites you and how you’ve resorted to having sex with unanimate objects.
Although, now that I think about it…it may be an improvement. However, if you post an after-picture, I will stick my head in a hot vat of frying oil!
True, especially if you’re going to spell fantasizing with a c!
Lilly: Promise?
Ha! You were heading down that road, weren’t your H?! Sorry to have rained on your parade…or ummm, orgasm.
Actually I’m all for Lilly sticking her head in a hot vat of frying oil, too. Bring on the inanimate objects, Harlan!
Well, Greeblemonkey is talking about American Idol today. Das Becca is talking about sewing cute animal pillows. ThatNight is talking about a faux-80’s-themed faux-prom. And Trevor is talking about how much he likes a painting he did of a mouse.
No, I am not exaggerating. That is actually what they are each talking about. Ironically, perhaps you won the Bloggie because you’re the least pathetic of all the Best-Kept Secret nominees.
For what it’s worth, I have no interest in seeing you perform sex acts with your trophy. I find it curious, however, that this was Lilly’s very first thought. I believe this says quite a bit about Lilly. And, while I reiterate I do not want to see you perform sex acts with your trophy, if Lilly is serious about her commitment to fry her head in boiling oil, it may just be worth it. Consider it a sacrifice you need to make for the good of your blog, your commenters, and your country, Harlan.
SJS, least pathetic is damning with faint praise indeedy. H-man, you won because you deserved it. Enjoy your statue any way you please. Pictorals not required.
The Queen of Vitriol lives!
Sorry about my broken ergonomic keyboard, Moshizzle.
I suspect that the congressman is only being politically correct. He is thinking about running again after being picked off long ago in the primary by that crazy lady. He probably can’t make overtly sexual suggestions in public. I believe he really does want to see you perform sex acts with your hunk of lucite, Harlan, but I can only think of a few that might actually work for you.
Also, Harlan, you might ask Lilly if she wants fries with that.
H, try not to be so obvious with these alter’s.
That is one good looking hunk of lucite, Harlan. I can see why you sneak lots of peaks. Just out of curiosity, though, it doesn’t remind you of a certain someone in profile, does it? (Sorry, that was fatuous. And gratuitous.)
It’s easy to get fixated on the “secret” part of Best-Kept Secret. I was wondering, too, about alter egos and shared identities. All I can say, Harlan, is that I doubt someone would go to the trouble of creating separate blogs for Amy, Moshizzle, and Em just to pull off a ruse. I suppose it’s possible someone could pretend to be commenting under a false name and link, even claiming to be Dooce, but that would be too easy to debunk.
Now a linked/unlinked combo like Asshizzle is a more plausible single author, even if unlikely. When Moshizzle uses words like twitterpated, I’m somewhat besotted myself. Clever as he is, I doubt I could ever say the same of Asshat. If they are one and the same, that would be some pretty accomplished fiction.
Harlan! Have you seen Lars and Real Girl yet? I wrote a little bit about it on my blog today. http://amyeats.blogspot.com
At first, when watching it, I thought about you a lot and wondered if you are like the guy in this movie. I wondered if it might suit you to have one of these dolls.
But I don’t want you to go that route, even though it worked so well for Lars.
On the other hand, I think most of the jackasses who comment on your site should get a doll and focus on it instead of harrassing you.
Go Amy go!!!
Amy’s gonna kick our ass!
Yo H, I don’t think they had the innynets back when Carrie was in school. She might have started a newsletter. I’ll bet Ernest published a newsletter when he was in Highschool.
How can you win an award for ‘best kept secret?’ The better the secret is kept, the fewer people know about it and therefore, the fewer people who would be able to vote for you.
Seems like the blog that got the *fewest* votes for ‘best kept secret’ is the blog that should win the award.
You have a blog that is a poorly kept secret.
Ernest skipped high school and went straight to the space academy.
Or space.
Ok, Ernest, it might be fatuous to say so, but somebody has to say it. The Major Award REALLY DOES LOOK LIKE A PROFILE OF BERTHA IN LUCITE. Objectophilia is a terrible thing.
Anyone else think Bertha probably looks like Bobo and Li’l Debbull from “Nothing But Trouble”? I didn’t think of this until just now, but that’s probably what she looks like naked. And, via IMDB, a few of my favorite quotes:
Bobo: You’re the one who’s fat!
L’il Debbull: Not as fat as you!
Bobo: [playing cards] If I win, I get… another bowl of cereal!
Bobo: Hi! I’m Bobo, that’s Lil’ Debbull!
L’il Debbull: Hi, we’re not allowed inside the house!
And, my favorite quote that relates to B:
J.P.: You really put the pin in the party hog now, girl!
Oops. Rereading earlier comments I realize now that I should have used ConGypsCo’s ingenious name for the combined entity: Mo’Ass. Asshizzle was the progeny.
And Leland, had I thought of a newsletter back in the day, I might have worked my way through this protracted verbal incontinence by now.
Wait, if I interpret this correctly, you surmise that I am likely real because I have a blog, but that Asshat is not real because he doesn’t. And because we have playfully bantered back and forth since Valentine’s Day, we appear to be linked. Therefore, I must be Asshat. Is that correct? Wow! As a certified (or do I mean certifiable?) Asshat groupie, this just made my day! Thanks E :)
Not quite, Moshizzle, but if that makes you happy, then yes.
I never claimed to be anything more than a writing project, so Moshizzle is correct that I’m not exactly real. As far as commenting here under 2 different names, I’m sure that goes on (I often do it) but Moshizzle and I are different individuals. She’s Canadian and I’m not.
I wanna be Canadian.
I want to be Canadian too. I love maple syrup.
…but how do you feel aboot dogsleds and igloos?
They’re lovely people across the lake, but I wish they’d keep their pocket change up there because it jams up the vending machines.
We’ll keep our loonies if you keep your smog and credit crunches. And while you’re at it, I’d like to request that you put a democrat in the White House for my birthday.
NO! Please bring your loonies and toonies. We need them badly. Just keep those goofy nickles and dimes. As far as the democrat’s concerned, if that doesn’t happen, a lot of us are threatening to move there . . . at least until we read the weather forecasts.
but please, keep your dollars cheap, for us across the ocean. We wanna come for Christmas.
Okay, cheap loonies and toonies coming up!
Didn’t anyone else ponder the fact that if B. sees this, she’ll immediately want to read the blog in question?
Dan, yes. Crackjob pointed that out at the top, there. It is a great point! H: throw that shit to the fishes!
Personally, I’d rather keep a hunk of lucite than Bertha. Let her see it.
Harlan, have you ever considered thanking the fat cyclist? He pushed his legions of readers to nominate you for prestigious prize.
@Harlan: I’m so glad you posted it. I was curious to see what it looks like. :-D Congrats again!
@Stephen: Yeah, I was thinking while reading this, “CRAP– this will link to the one time in five years I’ve written about stuffed animals, won’t it? FAIL.”
Yes, I came here via the Fat Cyclist.
Congrats Harlan!
I’m another from the Fat Cyclist crowd.
Yeah, the size of the fat cyclist’s readership carves a pretty big hole in the pumpkin. Before he started to recommend this site on his blog, pretty much the only regulars here were Bridget, Adam, The Fat Kid and Leland. Then fatty campaigned hard for his bloggie and told people that so long as they were voting, they should also vote for Harlan. Not to minimize Harlan’s achievement, but he owes a lot to fatty.
I miss Bridget.
Bridget, come back…but if you do, be prepared to be ridiculed by Lilly and Amy. And the ’shizzle.
The reference to Bridget reminds me of how I first found this blog…I was googling “midget humpback amputee lesbian sex” and this blog came up.
Amy might threaten to kick Bridget’s ass, which would be unpleasant to read.
It depends Ass, if Bridget is supportive Amy’ll bake her a cake.
Uh oh, maybe fattie is Harlan too.
The trophy is a beaut, Harlan. Thanks for showing us what it looks like. You’ve created an addictive blog. I was offline for a few days and yours was the first blog I turned to in my quest to catch up with what I’ve missed. Seeing your trophy was a real treat.
Well, I caught up here and now know the real story about the trophy. I don’t know what to say. You sure are good at keeping people guessing.
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