This last one wasn’t as big a lie as some of the others I’ve told. The real truth is that while I went to the book club, I didn’t really give that speech. Here’s what happened. I mumbled something about an upset stomach and asked to be excused. Instead of going to the restroom, I just walked outside. And kept walking.

Soveryalone.com regrets the incident.

While I’m in full “radical honesty” mode, I’ll mention something else I’ve been doing that may reflect poorly on me.

The woman who drives the FedEx truck is perhaps the most stunningly gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen. To say “words can’t do her justice” isn’t doing her justice. If her face could launch a thousand ships, her body could launch a thousand rockets. I hope you get the picture.

She’s pretty.

I know exactly which times the FedEx truck is supposed to stop by the back of our building. I even bought a pack of cigarettes so it looks like I have a reason for standing around near the back door. (Fun factoid: Cigarettes are nearly impossible to steal.)

Whenever she pulls up in her truck, I feel like I’m peeping into heaven. I’m awestruck and wildly aroused. If the FedEx truck doesn’t come, or if there’s a different driver, I get angry, smash my lit cigarette into the railing, and curse under my breath.

Don’t get me wrong. Unless I win the lottery, I have no chance with this woman. If she’s Galadriel, then I’m Barliman Butterbur. She is so far out of my league that I don’t even torment myself by threatening to talk to her. Every part of me agrees that I have no chance, so I’m free to just stand back invisibly and admire.

Is it just me, or do other adults act this way? Nevermind. Don’t answer that. Unless your answer is yes. Then by all means, answer.

One more thing to get off my chest. I also swung by Walmart and picked up a sleeping bag and camp stove to go with the inflatable air mattress. That was oddly thrilling.

Isolation score: 4