Can’t Let It Go
Posted by harlan on 09 Apr 2008 at 02:40 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
All last night all today, I haven’t been able to get that stupid guy out of my head: the one who told me that I had dropped my smile. Every time I run through that event in my mind, it just makes me angrier and angrier.
How does he know that I don’t have a perfectly good reason to be frowning? What if my sister had just died? I should have told him that: "Oh, I’m sorry I’m frowning. I’ll try to be more cheerful about my sister’s violent rape and murder yesterday. Thanks for the advice."
Why was he intruding on my personal space? Is it because I look shy? An easy target? I sometimes think about what happens to school bullies once they leave school. I think this guy is the answer to that question.
What’s it to him whether I smile or not? Here’s the answer: he didn’t care whether I was smiling, he just wanted to make a fool of me for his friends. What kind of asshole does that?
I assume we work in the same building (but not at the same company), so even though I’ll mostly be working from home after the first couple weeks, I’m bound to run into him sometime soon. When that happens, what should I do? Confront him? Figure out where he works and what he drives, then start arranging minor but annoying property damage?
What really pisses me off is that this guy probably hasn’t thought about this event since it happened. He probably does it twenty times a day. But he’s spoiled a full day for me, and I can’t focus properly on tonight.
Speaking of tonight, though, I have at least thought the basics through. Flowers, restaurant, condoms.
Also, I practiced putting condoms on, too, so so I won’t screw that up. I can’t say that I’m much of a fan of how they feel, and at least a couple of times I’ve gotten hairs pulled as I rolled the damn things on. Maybe I should shave my penis?
I doubt he put that much thought into his comment. It’s not as thought it was funny or profound. He’s just an asinine moron who likes to hear the sound of his own voice. Your comment about his lack of intelligence and wit probably made him think “huh?” in true Neanderthal style. Why do you care so much about this? I’d bet money I don’t have that he doesn’t remember the incident, let alone your name.
Good idea with the condom practice. You don’t want to end up all Seth Rogen Knocked Up. Shaving is also not a bad idea but don’t do it tonight in case you have an accident. Practice for next time after tonight. I’m allergic to latex so I use PVC which is a bit thinner and transmits body heat better. My ex also told me about condoms you can get that are custom fit. I’ll ask him and let you know what they’re called.
They’re called “small,” Moshizzle.
Condoms are horrid.
Go get an emergency vasectomy and then ejaculate thirty times before the date.
Sorted.
Good luck, Harlan.
Did you ever consider he was just trying to be friendly?
Yes he failed,(there are plenty of socially inept people around), but I think you are reading too much into this and are assuming he was mocking you.
The pitying look could also have been shock at your reaction.
Stop over thinking things. I used to do this myself and had to make a conscious effort to stop. It did me no good and 99 per cent of the time I was wrong. I guarantee that he hasn’t given it a second thought.
People are a lot more shallow than you give them credit for.
My advice: TRIM, TRIM, TRIM. There’s nothing worse than getting one of those long suckers in your mouth. Gag me! Trimming is not as harsh as shaving and if you do a good enough job, undetectable. As for the condoms: lubricated are nice too.
just fuck her in the ass.
that was a dumb as shit thing to say. revel in the knowing that you’re more intelligent and funny than that guy will ever be. he was trying. TRYING.
Happy Premature Ejaculation Day!!! Good luck Harlan! Don’t shave!!!! Do a little trimming and good job on trying on the condoms, there’s nothing worse than having to wait for those suckers to go on! If your workin’ it (or just starting) and you feel like your going to blow, start thinking of something else!!! I can’t wait to see your post tomorrow! Go Harlan!!!
You know my take on all this. Plan to do it more than once so you won’t care how it goes the first time. Think in terms of hours in bed and all the fun you are going to have.
Go, Harlan Go!
You shouldn’t need to shave, just trim.
Don’t worry about what happens the first time, you can always do it again.
Best last line of a blog post ever.
You should set up a computer monitor and keyboard where you can get to them during sex. Then if you get confused or feel like you’re going to pop, you can bring up the comments from the last week. In them you’ll find all the advice/distraction you need.
Think about Richard’s stretched anus. Or England. Either one.
I didn’t read the other comments, I just wanted to say that people say stupid things, he’s not evil - just a douche.
Shaving your penis is not a good idea and it will hurt like hell. Shaving the pubic hair around your penis might work, though.
http://xkcd.com/333/
just say something scarcastic the next time you see him, then you wont look like such an idiot.
i vote for a trim….and also the back hair. ;-)
hey, man. the guy was just trying to joke around with you. I seriously doubt he meant any harm at all. Some people like to make cheesy jokes to meet new people. He was trying to be friendly. He was probably expecting you to chuckle and then you guys would start a conversation. I do little things like that sometimes. It’s not meant to be something intimidating.
I hope things went well. Can’t wait to hear about it!
Way to overreact! I think the guy was just a dorky “Look’s like somebody’s got a case of the Monday’s!” type. Stop thinking about it.
Some of you people have the biggest sticks up your asses I have ever seen. H might just win the prize for somehow getting the largest stick crammed up his ass.
The guy made a comment, it’s not like he said “hey, you fucking piece of shit, look at me again and I’m going to rip your cock off and feed it to you” Which is after all what you are making it sound like he said. He made an odd comment about you not smiling, it’s called an observation. Get the fuck over yourself. If you do property damage to this guy, as you suggested, I hope he does feed you your own dick, at least you’ll have had a chance to use it with B.
Just goes to show you, with enough time, any fuck up can get laid.
Start dwelling on something productive.
Stop dwelling on something that wouldn’t bother 99.9999999999 % of the population.
You are new. Give people the benefit of the doubt. At least you aren’t invisible.
Your bad mood was your fault. Go wack a raquetball around then move on.
So - what happened?
we’re waiting!
Ok the second bit of your post was WAAAAAAAAY too much information dude.
But what the hell? You remind me of Kevin Spacey’s character in American Beauty. Do you smoke joints and lift weights in the evenings?
I hope all went well with b. Maybe you should do her a couple more times then never call her back. As far as the numb nuts messing with you at work punch him in the throat next time you walk by him. (Don’t punch him to hard just enough to make him fall to his knees making him wonder if he will ever take another breath for the next 15 seconds.)
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh.
Refresh…
Hey Joe, how do you really feel?
Lilly, I think your “most vitriolic” status is threatened. Joe scares the hell out of me.
I have to kind of agree with Joe. Get over yourself. He made a silly comment, noting that you weren’t smiling. It was his odd, awkward way of trying to get you to smile. People do it to me all the time.
Ever stop to think maybe they’re trying to be nice?
I suppose that would never cross your mind, as you’re such a self absorbed and self defeating schlub.
I guess all that BS about turning a new leaf and facing the world with a positive attitude a while back was exactly that–just a bunch of hooey.
Harlan, your reaction reminded me of an episode some years back with my sister. Grandma had sent us a gourmet food basket for Christmas, including a cherry salsa which is what prompted the jag. Sis said that this was deliberately insensitive since everyone knew from earlier days how spicy foods could upset her stomach. When I started in on how Grandma probably didn’t mean anything by it, and that she was giving poor Gran the detriment of the doubt, she told me I was being naive. If I weren’t so obtuse and could see things as they really were instead of through rose-colored glasses, I’d know how truly mean-spirited most people are. Maybe she was right.
Anyway, I’m sure your audience is only interested in last night’s big event at this point.
No, Ernest, by all means, please tell us any other stories you have about your vicious, salsa-lobbing grandma.
Okay, Lilly, you’re off the hook. Joe wins hands down for meanest commenter. Though I’m not sure “mean” really does it justice. We’re getting into “most likely to end up in a news story that involves body counts” territory.
Oh, I forgot to mention: Harlan, you better not stiff us (yuk yuk) on the details. We want a blow-by-blow of all three minutes of the action!
Hurry up Harlan! I want all the hairy details.
I truly wasn’t trying to be mean, however, I was trying to be direct. I think those here attacking someone who simply said “hey buddy, you dropped your smile” are quite a bit more out of touch with reality, especially when they constantly take the side of our hypocritical clepto friend H here. H wins the award for the “it’s always everyone else” award, right from his brother stealing his “pretend” girlfriend in his previous fantasy life (oh, I KNOW we were dating, even though we never went on a date).
H is delusional, and every time he fucks up, he blames someone else. If H is real, he’s a sad excuse. If not, he’s a hell of a creation of a sad excuse. Either way, he is what he is, and I’m telling it like I see it.
Now the question is, has our boy managed to fuck up his fucking too?
That’s less scary, Joe. At least you left out the dick-feeding part.
Well, thankfully I’ve been dethroned by someone who has far exceeded Big D’s expectations.
Joe, do you really believe H is delusional and/or not real? Damn, this boy is sharp!
Ernest, has Amy given you the okay to keep boring the living shit out of us? I didn’t think so. You’re right to assume that none of the cool-non-H’s here are interested in your insecure need to pontificate. In fact, I’m pretty sure that we’re unanimous in wishing that you’d take that need and shove it up your extremely stretched out anus.
Joe, the ‘hey buddy’ guy was the biggest mother-fucking asshole ever born. How dare you DEFEND him!? HE’S A BASTARD. A PEDOPHILE. HE BEATS UP OLD WOMEN AND TAKES STAPLERS FROM THE OFFICE.
Wow, ’shizzle those bastards stole my idea.
Perhaps the reason H was all freaked out about this guy intruding on his personal space is because it caused another premature ejaculation.
Lilly, in my experience people are rarely bored when the topic is them, so maybe this comment will be less stultifying to you.
I have to say, you’ve helped me see myself as others do. May I return the favor? In the spirit of magnanimity, I wonder if you’re at all concerned about turning into a one-schtick pony? If your whole thing is language that would make a David Mamet character bow to your greater irreverence, then congratulations, you’ve reached your goal. If you’d ever care to broaden yourself, though, even as lover-boy Harlan has, you might consider a few other nuances of human emotion and expression. Vitriol may end up being just one of your strengths.
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