A Separate Courage
Posted by harlan on 31 Mar 2008 at 05:05 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
The front door is locked, the sliding glass door is locked, and all the curtains are drawn. There must be a dozen messages on my phone. Sitting here in my dark bedroom, I’ve been thinking about something B. said to me last week. It bothered me at the time, but I was afraid that if I disagreed with B., she’d do that thing where she squints her eyes and wrinkles her nose, making the corners of her mouth rise up and bare her teeth. Since then, what she said has stuck in my head. My mind has taken to it like an oyster to a piece of sand. Here’s what she said:
“Courage is resistance to fear. You don’t resist fear.”
She was basically calling me a coward. I suppose if you define courage as someone who sends food back in restaurants and barges into strange condos without knocking, then I’m not courageous. But that’s not how I define it. Courage isn’t always a roar. Sometimes courage is the small voice at the end of the day that says try again tomorrow.
B. is basically claiming that courage is the opposite of fear. I don’t buy that. Fear is a healthy. Fear is necessary. Fearless people aren’t necessarily courageous. Sometimes they’re just stupid. Like the cat that isn’t afraid to run across the freeway. Bold and dead.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but the notion that something else is more important than fear. Let’s take war as an example. Suppose it’s World War I, and you’re in the trenches 100 yards from the German front line. Both sides have machine guns pointed at each other. Your Colonel yells that it’s time to set aside your fear and attack! Attack, lads, attack! Courage! I suppose it’s brave in a way to run to your certain death, but it’s cowardly in another. I imagine a lot of the soldiers run from the trench not out of courage, but out of fear. They’re more afraid of being thought cowards than they are of dying.
Everyone has his own courage. It’s cowardly to try to live up to someone else’s idea of courage.
That’s my pearl of wisdom.
Isolation score: 9
My pearl of wisdom is this: I no longer believe anything you say here, and I’m taking you off my bloglines.
Soldiers are trained to obey orders. Civilians are not. Firemen are trained to run into burning buildings. Cops to chase criminals. Regular people are brave when they stand up to peer pressure. Or think for themselves. Different definitions of courage for different situations. The real question is, why do you care so much about Bertha judging you? She barely knows you. While it might be true that fear of the unknown or loss of control holds you back, that’s for you to acknowledge and any change is your decision to make. Stop letting her push you around.
Moshizzle is eloquent and wise.
I understand cheap therapy thru blogging. But as much relief as you can find doing it, and weather this blog is true or not. Stop trying to explain yourself to everybody and specially to yourself. We all suck harlan, just deal with it.
Indeed.
(first time I’ve ever publicly agreed with an Asshat!)
I disagree with B. both on her definition of cowardice and her decision to date someone (she believes) is a coward.
“We all suck harlan, just deal with it.” Maybe this is how he’s dealing with it. Maybe?
Asshat doesn’t need to suck up Moshizzle. Moshizzle hearts Asshat already.
Not a suck up, Moshizzle. I can’t understand why you’re alone. You’re brilliant, perceptive and have easy access to pharmaceuticals.
Your courage should be to tell her to fuck off, over the phone, so you don’t see her teeth. Don’t feel bad for not doing it to her face: this bitch LIVES off of face-to-face conflict. She doesn’t deserve anything at this point. She’s too demanding. You obviously need someone laid-back.
Also, I had to come up with a name to call myself on my blog, and it was overwhelmingly “B”. So that’s what I’m going with. A tribute, since they all found me on here.
so many voices + so much baggage + so unwilling to settle = so very alone. If only the other asshats were as witty and charming as my funny Valentine.
“Courage is resistance to fear. You don’t resist fear.” - That is not the same as saying you are a coward. Harlan, I think you are misunderstanding the comment.
Fear IS normal. Courage is the ability to act despite the fear. To take your WWI analogy - The soldier going over the top is rightly fearful but goes over the top anyway. The reasons why they do so are various but I expect that many did so with what could be called courage.
If I understand B correctly she is only suggesting that you let your fears control your actions rather than having the courage to do the right thing. She believes that you know the difference between how you behave and how you should behave.
Personally, I am less sure of you. Do you know that you are frequently in the wrong? I’m not going to go back over your posts to highlight such matters, but your attitude seems to be that your actions are ok just because you are lonely.
Be really clear - You live in a society where other peoples opinions hold as much weight as your own. There are a lot more other people and mostly they don’t know or care about you. All they see are your actions. It is through your actions that you are judged not through you internal termoil of thoughts and excuses.
Courage is committing yourself to action when fear tells you to do nothing. So yes, if B. is calling you a coward she’s absolutely right. You avoid life and wait on the sidelines hoping to get all the rewards without doing any of the work.
What’s sad is that until I read this, I could see alot of my past in what you’ve been writing and I was wondering what exactly was the major difference that prevented me from being just like you. I was divorced after 12 years of marriage and had no friends, working a crappy job, and rarely left the house. The key was that I decided not to sit around and feel sorry for myself and got out into the world. Two years later, and I have a solid group of friends and tons of acquaintances, I’m involved in a number of large social groups, the days I sit at home watching tv are so few and far between I canceled my cable account, and I’ve even gone on a few dates. Is life perfect? No. Do I still get rejected? Sure - everyone does. But I don’t let the fear of it paralyze me anymore. Be honest to yourself, acknowledge your shortcomings, realize everyone has dealt with the same since the dawn of man, and get past it. Otherwise you’ll remain the same sad lonely man you are now.
Most men live lives of quiet desperation. Women too.
Congypsco- Quite the change of behavior since you were all about hugging the other day…
Yes, but it doesn’t hurt erring towards it. Doing what you don’t know makes you stronger (i.e. more courageous).
And open your blinds by the way. Get some sunlight in there. Eat some nice food. Chill. And take a deep breath, everything will be fine!
“You live in a society where other peoples opinions hold as much weight as your own.”
Wrong. We live in a society where richer people’s opinions matter more, where large corporations and special interest groups dictate policy, and where an individual’s control of his own life stops (if itever exists at all) at his own front door.
Courage is walking out into that world every morning and doing your best to live your life in spite of all of that.
Courage is being able to puke all over your blind date in public when the eel roll doesn’t agree with you.
Walmart, this is frustrating. I tried to be supportive, but there’s no end in sight. He complains but doesn’t fix anything, so I’m past the point of support on the B end.
Real courage is wearing polyester and never waxing.
Damnit donna, you were such a great contributer…shit I’ll miss you.
Courage is not the absence of fear, but what one does with the fear when action is required.
I’ll miss Donna too. She taught me to unplug my coffee grinder.
Vince,
“You live in a society where other peoples opinions hold as much weight as your own.”
I’ll stand by that. I don’t believe that the rich get a better deal, although I’ll admit it sometimes does look like it. That is not the point however, Harlan does not live (as far as I can tell)in the world of the rich and famous.
Harlan has been cought stealing. Anyone cought stealing is likely to get the same treatment. Harlan has made matters worse by not admitting his guilt. The store has done nothing wrong and in its actions represents all the members of the corporation or company. You could also argue that it represents the best interests of its employees.
Whatever Haraln’s motivations, in stealing he is a common criminal and should expect to be treated as such.
Courage is not resistance to fear. Courage is acting in spite of fear. Don’t go steal anything.
duh72dzzhr4is568