Good News, Bad News
Posted by harlan on 27 Mar 2008 at 12:06 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
Good news – I sold the Mac for $5,500.
Bad news – I played online poker.
I had deleted my user account in a fit of self-loathing, but it’s not that hard to set up a new one. I was playing along fine, up a few dollars and not being too aggressive, and then I got into it with someone named TwizzleP. I was dealt a pair of 3s so I bet big trying to steal the blinds, which I thought would work since I’d had to show cards after a couple of good hands. Twizzle came over the top with a bigger bet. At this point, I should have folded since I was probably behind. I called. The flop came Ah, Kh, Qh. I didn’t have any hearts. Uh oh. Twizzle checked, so I bet big to scare him off, and he came over the top again with an even bigger raise. I called.
Everyone knows you’re not supposed to chase cards, but that’s exactly what I was doing. I was chasing cards with a low pair against someone who obviously had a big hand — certainly better than a pair of threes. The turn was a 3h, which gave me three of a kind but most likely gave Twizzle a flush. Big betting again. The river was another 3, giving me a four of a kind. Big bet, big raise, big re-raise, call. He just had two pair — Aces and Kings. I won.
Why is this bad news? Because I was playing a low stakes game and won only about hundred bucks. Sometimes life just isn’t fair.
Better News - In the middle of writing this post, B. returned my call, and I apologized to her. I have no idea what I was apologizing for, but it seemed important. So we’re going out tonight. She made a point of saying that it was our fifth date. Time for some knee bends and jumping jacks.
I hope you’ve been practicing like I suggested!
Ok, so I’m glad you won, but seriously, lay off the online poker. All you’re gonna do is lose the money you’ve won. Seriously, I’m getting nervous for you. This is obviously an addiction. I think you need to find some other way to do this. Did you sell your computer to fund your gambling escapades? That’s really sad. Use this money to get through your job interviews, or purchase a new game. I don’t know what kind of games you’re into, but I’m completely into Unreal Tournament 2K7 right now. It’s great fun, you can play online, and you don’t lose any money. Plus, it’s mildly social, and team-building, if you choose. Order it from Amazon, or hell, I’ll give you an Amazon gift card so you can purchase it. It’s fast-paced and never boring. And, if you get really good, you can play it at tournaments and make some money! I know that it helps with the novelty factor at tournaments, me being a girl and all, but I’m pretty good and can help you with it, if you need some coaching. Seriously, stop spending your money on online poker. It’s a fucking sham!
Also, give ol’ B a big ol’ bear hug when you see her. Seems like you need it. And if she’s mentioning the number of the date, she’s expecting something, whether it be sex or a gift (probably not a gift, since she knows you’re broke), and if you are worried, get her a gift and call it an early night. Lie and tell her you have an early-morning interview. Seriously, you’ve lied to her several times, so this shouldn’t be an issue. No offense. Get her flowers, give her her money back and just try and relax. Love!
Hi Harlan. Shannon here. Wishing you confidence tonight.
The mandatory sex date, whoopee! It’s probably too late now to start practicing squeezing your grapes. If you feel like you’re about to make Welch’s grape juice too soon, just think about eel rolls or arm hair. Maybe you should get Bertha a gift. How about a small, litter-trained dog?
This is my first comment but I have been reading for a while.
Hopefully you have seen theres something about mary and don’t go out on this date with a loaded gun. You should know what I mean cause that movies a classic. Good luck.
Oh boy!!!!
Harlan, now stop with the poker! Have fun tonight.
5th date!
I am hungrily counting down the seconds until tomorrow’s post.
“Harlan, now stop with the poker!”
How many times will B. say that tonight?
STAY AWAY FROM THE POKER, get help if you need it.
No shame in it, many people are addicted to gambling, it sounds like you have a problem.
Get you some tonight!!
Harlan, when you inevitably “make Welch’s grape juice too soon” don’t worry about it. You’ll be able to repeat the process so don’t become embarrassed and tell B. to leave.
Unless you don’t want to have sex with B.? Just say no!
Ah, calisthenics- knee bends, jumping jacks, bed pushups
Pay her back….
WILL EVERYONE PLEAST STOP USING THE WORD “POKER” !?
God, I’m never going to get the image of grape nuts rubbing a whole lot of nothing on a great big fat hairy uhm, you know.
I predict that Harlan’s about to find out that “Bertha” is really “Billy”.
AAAAHHHHH finally some hairy wet action!!
This blog is the best thing ever. I can’t help it, I’m hooked. I’ll never manage to wait until tomorrow’s post.
I’m SO with you Talita! The comments keep me coming back. Tonight the laugh out loud prize goes to Asshat and Leland! Bwahaha!!
And H, thank goodness you have some cash. Tonights the night. I think it’s obvious that you’re going to need a weed wacker. Please don’t risk it! It would be awful if you couldn’t find the forest through the trees.
Hurry (like I have to tell you that!) back and tell us everything.
Harlan, I fear there is no way you are going to read this before your date, but if you do read this before things get going with B, please follow my advice.
Don’t worry about how fast ‘things’ happen for you - just be prepared for and excited about the possiblity that it will happen for you several times tonight! Your goal should be to engage B in a sex session - not just sex.
Okay? Have fun!!
Amy, it’s more likely that Harlan will win millions at internet poker than it is that he’ll have a satisfying, lengthy, multiple-orgasm sex session with Bertha tonight. Again it will probably be all over while all their clothes are still on. Bertha’s not likely to be trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored.
All virgins have sex the same way the first time which is to say, there will be no sex ’session’. And it isn’t really Harlan’s fault if he pours the grape juice all over B.
Asshat, I waited hours for your response and you didn’t even use one exclamation mark. I was so looking forward to some bitchy condescension.
It’s part of my celebration of the humanness of everyone, Moshizzle. Even overprivileged twits who give flawed advice to the lovelorn are to be celebrated so long as they’re writing about sex “sessions.” I’m a new man!!
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