Unstuck
Posted by harlan on 20 Mar 2008 at 09:23 am | Tagged as: talking to the void
Last night I went to bed planning to get up this morning and beg my sister, Richard, Bertha, a coworker from a place I used to work at, a former manager from two jobs ago, and a neighbor I once collected mail for during his vacation to be my work and personal references.
I did not like this idea at all. I don’t know some of these people well at all, some of them may not remember me, some of them may or may not even like me, and the rest I already have concerns about being too beholden to.
But I woke up about 4:00 am with the easiest, most elegant solution possible: I’ll be my own references. Thanks to the magic of Skype, fifteen minutes later I had six new phone numbers, in four different area codes.
Half an hour after that, I had several new email addresses, each from a different domain name (one from Google, one from Yahoo, one from Hotmail, two from Mail.com, two from different domains I own).
I’m trusting that nobody uses snailmail anymore; if the HR guy asks for addresses I just won’t reply and will chalk it up to experience. It’s not like this job’s a dream come true or anything.
I have a feeling that my references are going to have excellent things to say about me.
So you’ll lie..mmmm
T.E.R.R.I.B.L.E. idea! just give them Richard and one your boss from a couple years ago. this will end up biting you in the a$$.
well, this should be entertaining. . .
probably not as entertaining as your first idea though.
On second thought, I think you should be working at a bank. You’re a liar, a thief and a compulsive gambler. You’ll fit right in.
I have a feeling you’re going to be chalking this one up to experience.
Hey Harlan/we/I created all of us, so why not add five or six more entities to the pot? Perhaps Harlan/we/I will let these new identities start commenting along with the rest of us.
One could be named Buttcap, one could be named Spice, one could be named Noname (my/our personal favorite), another could be Toss and hey, why not a Lesshizzle, too?
This is a way better idea than using real people.
Just don’t use a woman’s name for one of your references. I’m guessing it’s going to be hard for you to disguise your voice long enough to tell the caller “i’m busy, email me.”
And if it isn’t hard for you to disguise your voice like a woman’s then you should consider testosterone injections. Might help with the grapes.
WOW!
This is unbelievable. I really hope you are jerking our chains. But then again, this goes right along with all of the thefts from Wal-Mart and your old office. I hope this comes back to haunt you. Honesty really is the best policy!
Great idea!!!
Sheer genius. Maybe one of your references should say “company policy forbids us to respond to this request,” or something, to make it more credible.
I’d say that makes you a shoo-in. I’ve got some great embezzlement ideas. I’ll e-mail you.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO don’t do that, it will somehow, come back and bite you in the ass!! Dishonest things like that always do. DON’T DO IT, suck it up and ask for some honest references. These kind of things will always end in disaster.
If you want a happier life do things the right way.
Compulsive gambler, bank, computer expert…..
You’ve got the makings of a good B movie here.
You’ll be selling this story to Hollywood soon!!!
FK
Don’t forget the B. movie, too, Fat Kid.
wow. I hope you’ve learned your lesson from the last job never to post on here from your new job IF you pull this off. And you may get away with it, for a bit, but the paranoia will GET YOU. Is the urge to self-sabotage yourself so overwhelming that you would rather go through more trouble to set up a scam than just ask people for a simple ref? You’re going out of your way to make yourself look like an asshole.
I just got all caught up from the date and am totally just freaked out now.
Too bad Divine’s dead. He’d be great in the B. movie.
Won’t the guy realize that all 3 references have the same voice?
I’m assuming he will be calling all 3 one after the other. And it would be wierd that say a cali guy and an arizona guy and a ny guy all have the same voice and the same accent. Don’t try to fake accents. Never works
Awesome idea. If you don’t answer the phone the next logical choice for the HR dept is to send an email.
Let it ring!
Starting today, you are urban hero, really. I should have though of that myself looking for a job. Way go Harlan!!!
once again you’ve killed my faith in the human soul
This is insane. And I thought I was self-destructive. You can’t be that stupid. Can you? I can’t watch.
And Sansnom, I am real. At least I think I am. I have very soft skin and hair removal angst. I would post my blog on here but there are way too many nut jobs and I’m not open to criticism.
I’d say your hair’s standing on edge, Moshizzle.
Moshizzle.–yes it is insane, but you will watch because you are Harlan and I am Harlan and Harlan is you, who is me.
But careful, you/we slipped a clue revealing that we are all one in the same. Remember that Harlan/you/me has discussed B.’s hairiness and you/we/me just mentioned your hair removal angst? Caution, less we reveal to our collective selves that we are indeed all one in the same…
As to soft skin, c’mon, who doesn’t, unless we are talking bout heels and elbows! ;)
Oh my god! You’re right! I’m Bertha! Shocking! I have to go lie down now. And then I will check back for updates. You’re right again. I say “I can’t watch” in the same way that I feel compelled to watch when I peek between my fingers at something I know is going to give me screaming nightmares.
idiot.
B as Divine, perfect.
What about IP addresses ?
What if the bank’s IT dept. notices the email addys all have the same IP ?
I’m not expert, but that could be a dead giveaway or do IP’s not show up on email ?
Anonymous proxies, Jackie.
NO WAY…..I’m Bertha! I keep referring to my big, hairy ass because it gets in the way of evvvverything (except when I need to get to my man!) and is the reason I slump forward when I walk. You try carrying around an 80 pound ass and see how slumped forward you become! However, none of this matters anymore because I’ve found the man of my dreams and he thinks my slumping is sexy.
Have I mentioned my aversion to anything eel?!
Moshizzle–you are Bertha, you are B., you are AssHat and you are me.
P.S. You are chicken, too–post the blog!
Does anyone know if Harlan has another date with Bertha scheduled for this weekend? Is this the mandatory sex date, yet?