More Regret
Posted by harlan on 12 Mar 2008 at 01:47 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
I feel bad for transcribing Bertha’s phone messages in yesterday’s post. While they seemed funny and a little scary to me, they don’t reflect the real Bertha. In fact, I feel bad for calling her “Bertha.” I should have called her “Jennifer” or at least something less witchy like “Matilda.” You see, Bertha came over to my condo last night. Fortunately, I had left the front door unlocked, so she just walked in when I didn’t answer. (I NEVER answer the doorbell unless I’m expecting someone.) If I had locked the door, I wouldn’t have gotten to know Bertha well enough to know that she isn’t crazy, unless of course she climbed through a window. She has a strong will and a forcefulness that’s refreshing. I even like the way she walks. She hangs a little forward and stomps along as if she’s constantly regaining her balance. Something about her combination of vulnerability and assertiveness appeals to me. We’re going out on a date on Friday night. Just the two of us. She’s driving.
Isolation score: 1
Oh for crying out loud, it’s a match made in heaven. Bertha’s not the only one in the relationship who needs to regain her balance.
Well all I can say is…wear your seatbelt. You’re in for a crazy ride!
Are you sure you’re not dating Walter Matthau in drag? Wait, he’s dead.
You’re going out for sushi, right?
Why not lock the door and leave a window open this evening. Let’s see what happens.
You should go buy new pants soon.
This post sounds kinda fishy to me… Writing styles off…Are you being forced to write this at gunpoint? Hahaha, jokes man, have fun with Bertha! and yeah, pants are prolly a good idea.
Could Bertha realistically fit through your window, or was that sort of a figure of speech?
Sorry for the movie references, but this sounds a lot like a combination of “Shallow Hal”, “40 Year Old Virgin”, and “Fatal Attraction”. I can’t wait for the ending.
You are full of shit.
Someone tell HER men are suppose to chase the women.
Are you wearing sweats ?
I just found your blog today. Something in it appeals to me. I wish you all the best with the date. Just try not to analyze everything you are going to say before you say it, ok? Try to relax (I know it might be difficult, but still).
Let the predictions begin!
Harlan, I’ve never met a spawn-of-an-eel that I didn’t like. It’s that hanging forward, stomping, trying to regain their balance when they walk thing that gets me every time! And…the polyester! Especially when it’s pilled and buldging at the seems.
Hot. Hot. Hot!
Clearly Bertha is my kinda woman. Assertive, somewhat socially awkward, control-freaky. She’s wearing the pants so no need to buy new ones. I’m sure she’ll find a pair for you to wear on Friday, if indeed she even requires you to wear them. Congrats, you’re finally going to have sex ;) Don’t leave buying condoms to her though.
You are a unique person, one who could see past the crazy of showing up at a practical stranger’s house and waltzing right in and instead see vunerability. I am hoping it is much less ‘fatal attraction’ than it sounds.
I started reading this yesterday, and caught up on all of the posts, and believed that all of the non-believers were full of it- until I saw this post.
That behavior would be considered psychotic to any normal person. For one, you didn’t return her very insistent calls, which made her look nuts to begin with. THEN she somehow acquires your address (she was picked up last for the date, and you and Richard left before she came out of the bathroom, so she couldn’t have known by any coincidental means), and walks right into your house? If you were anything like you have repeatedly come across in the emails, you would have screamed and said “what the hell are you doing here” (remember when someone simply asked if he was going to “eat that” cereal, and he blurted out “shut up”).
Your anti social nature wouldn’t have led to any calm outcome. PLUS you already said you weren’t attracted to her, and she wasn’t interesting, so I don’t see how her barging in would make her more appealing.
I am going to have to cry foul on this one. Either bogus post, or bogus blog.
Oh, and I forgot to mention her throwing up at the table… that is by far the topper on her not being realistically appealing.
I know people will criticize me for being a “hating”, but the coincidences are starting to stack up pretty high.
I bet the fact that “She’s driving” (an unnecessary, yet oddly tacked on fact) will play some pivotal role in how the date will go disastrously wrong (unless being smart, he doesn’t go that route because of my calling it out here in the comments).
I don’t think a woman (or most men for that matter) would be comfortable with an old date entering their home, uninvited. An old date who had referred to their one (bad) date as a “relationship”. That is extremely bizarre, Harlan. From the female perspective, I think you should be careful.
I was going to ask if YOU would have entered her home under the same circumstances. You’ve done some peculiar things, but stealing a plant is quite different don’t you think?
Be careful? Look, have sex with her asap. It’ll do you both some good.
Also, I better clarify, that having sex with her as soon as possible, doesn’t mean have sex with her as quickly as possible. you see the distinction, right?
I was on the fence about your being real. Now I am sure that you are a bullshit artist.
oh boy here comes the “”"”"”"”"
fuck all these haters……
even if it is fake, it’s entertaining as HELL!!!
it’s only a matter of time before the big reveal!!!
Maybe you should send your cats to your sister’s for the duration, or get rid of your larger pots.
And your potato peelers.
Harlan, good luck on the date. Sometimes the universe works in strange ways. After the puking sushi incident, just think — the pressure’s off. Chill out and have some fun. Maybe you’ll find she’s your soul mate. If nothing else, look at your date as just gaining more experience in the dating game.
Try to relax and just be yourself. Honesty is always the best policy.
http://seemikedraw.wordpress.com/2008/03/11/this-cartoon-is-highly-nutritious/
You really are an unpleasant person. People like you should be shot for taking up what’s left of the good oxygen on this planet.
Picklet, if being unpleasant gets you shot, you better run out and buy a bullet-proof vest.
Oh, Oh…Picklet is another orgasm-needing hater.
You skeptics are so misguided. Harlan would never lie to us. WE HAVE A REALTIONSHIP!
H, I say go pantless for your date on Friday. It will be way easier to get right to that eelectrifying sex.
I crack myself up!
The comments on this blog are just as entertaining as the fiction that “Harlan” write about. I never read the comments on blogs, until now.
Rock on commenters!
Moshizzle. Are you insinuating that Bertha could also be a cat-eater?
H, I hope you realize this chick is bound to have some MAJOR digestive problems. In addition to puking on a regular basis, can you imagine the gas?! There’s nothing worse than a burp or fart that smells like eely-cats.
I’m just worried about you, H!
No I was not insinuating that Bertha could be a cat-eater. Herb did that in his comment on the last entry. I was just attempting to provide some additional (not to mention timely) dark humour to follow up on the cat-boiling comments.
She’s more like a maneater.
I just found this blog today (congrats on winning a bloggie) This is hilarious…. whomever is writing this is an outstanding writer. I want the book when it comes out.
Now I know I’ve been kind of hot and cold on the Bertha subject, but I’m glad you are going out with her. I’m impressed/creeped out that she would come and find you, but I guess she did the right thing because it won her another date.
I like the fact that she’s driving and I have an odd desire to know what kind of car she drives.
Just look at it this way, if things end up miserable, you can blame it on that first date and say you should have listened to your gut instinctts. If things go fabulously, that first date will be quite a gem to tell the grandkids.
You should buy your new pants from a thrift store. No, you should buy an entire outfit from a thrift store. Go Saturday Night Fever style. I think she’ll like it.
Moshizzle, I know. I love your humor!
Asshat..LOL!
iheartmacncheese said “Go Saturday Night Fever style.” and I think she/he is TOTALLY onto something. Go with a nice, pastel colored suit (yellow, baby-blue or pink) and matching shirt with the biggest damn color you can find! Oh, and definitely white patent leather shoes with large black heels.
H, the two of you will be so damn hot….not to mention, you’ll have her eating out of your hand (although, make sure you do that at a distance. Bertha chunks on a brand new pastel suit would be totally unacceptable and once she hurls, sex will be out of the question!).
I’m so excited for you, H!!!