Messages to Warm the Soul
Posted by harlan on 11 Mar 2008 at 10:58 am | Tagged as: talking to the void
I finally broke down and listened to my phone messages.
Message 1 (Bertha): Hi [Harlan]. This is [Bertha]. Our first date didn’t exactly end the way I was hoping. Please call me. My number is 317-555-2323. I look forward to hearing from you. Thanks! Bye!
Message 2 (Bertha): Hi Harlan. Bertha again. Listen, you need to call me back. I can’t stand the thought of being ignored. That is not how this relationship is going to end! You have my number. 317-555-2323. I expect to hear from you soon.
Message 3 (Bertha): [Heavy sigh, hangs up]
Message 4 (Richard): Hi [Harlan]. Look, congratulations on winning the award, even though [unintelligible nonsense about “warped reflection of reality”]. Harlan, you really need to call Bertha back. Do it for me, okay? She’s not going to let this go. Take it easy. Oh - [Herman] says hi.
Message 5 (Bertha): Harlan, I’m so sorry for putting pressure on you. People say I have a tendancy to come on a little strong sometimes, so call me whenever it’s convenient. Great, thanks! 317-555-2323. Bye!
Message 6 (Bertha): OK, Harlan, this is getting really old. You NEED to call me back. Look, I want to talk about what happened. I thought things were going great until I had that little reaction to the eel rolls. And then you were gone. That is not how our relationship is going to end. I want you to know that. That’s just not the way it’s going to end, okay? So call me back. 317-555-2323. That’s 317-555-2323. I know you’re there!
There were several more messages, but you get the point. If I weren’t flat broke, I’d have my number changed. By the way, has anyone noticed that it’s getting harder to borrow money? It’s been a few weeks since I’ve gotten a sheet of blank checks from a credit card company.
Isolation Score: 6
Harlan,
I used to work for a phone company and if you tell them you are being harassed they won’t charge you a service fee.
As for Richard, what kind of friend would set you up with such a ridiculous person.
Don’t call Bertha back and get rid of Richard too
I tried calling 317-555-2323 and asked for Bertha and the woman on the other end screamed at me and hung up when I asked her if she’d eaten any eel rolls lately.
Yeah, I called that number, too, but some girl named Jane answered…
wow, those messages were awesome!!! she seems like a real nutjob….be careful, and keep a whalegun handy!!
Amen to Sarah.
She didn’t say two words to you during the date and left you with fond memories of a technicolor yawn. What the hell is there to talk about, anyway? “Hey, Bertha, I really liked you but your puke just isn’t chunky enough?” Give me a break!
Just change the greeting on your voicemail system to say something like “Hi, this is Harlan. I’m not available right now, so please leave a message after the tone unless you’re a big barfing cow in which case I never want to hear from you again.”
On second thought, just ignore her and hope she goes away. Anything else, and you might come home from raquetball one evening to find your cats boiling on the stove.
Ass and Sans…I CALLED TOO!! You’ll never believe who I talked to. Becky! She explained that Bertha is her daughter. She never told Harlan that she is really the the spawn of an eel and that the entire time she ’said’ she was studying with Harlan, back in the day, she was actually sitting on her nest of eggs just waiting. Only one hatched, but she was HUMUNGOUS/aka Bertha.
I know you are all relieved to know the reason for Bertha blowing after eating eel rolls had nothing to do with our man Harl! However…he NEEDS to call this chick back. Think how electrifying the sex could be?!?
I called and got the HR department for some law firm…
I imagine boiled cat goes well with eel rolls?
Every single one of these comments made me laugh out loud. My thesis supervisor just walked into the lab and now he knows I am officially certifiable. I still think you should do the decent thing and return her messages just to tell her you’re not interested. But, I would also understand if you continue to ignore her. No self-respecting woman is the first to call after a date. All women in the dating scene know that you’re supposed to let the guy call you. It’s that whole Neanderthal caveman evolutionary biology thing.
I should have mentioned it was a fake phone number. Any time you see a telephone number with a “555″ prefix, you know it’s fake. Do you really think I’d give out someone else’s phone number?
It’s a FAKE!? You mean I’ve been deceived?! I’m so MAD!
Asshat, why don’t you have a blog? I’d read it. I might even nominate it next year.
Way too much work, Moshizzle. Besides, I’d tend to stretch the truth too much.
Bertha is crazy. since when were you two in a relationship? wtf?
Weird, ‘cuz I’m certain I spoke with Jane. She mentioned planting some eel spawn and having a walking potted plant sprout that seemed to like other plants of the same gender that sweated a lot while eating apples.
Hmmm, perhaps we are having group hallucinations that have something to do with secret codes embedded in Harlan’s comments in conjunction with a low refresh rate on our monitors–anyone else refreshing at 60mHz?
Bertha sounds like such a charmer, Harlan. I think you should follow your, uh, basic instincts and stay far away from this woman.
I have to agree with Moshizzle because I enjoy Asshats responses almost as much as the blog itself.
Stalker …
I really think you should call her, if nothing else just to say you are not interested. I agree with what Bridget said on yesterday’s comments, I feel kinda sorry for her. The date must’ve been pretty embarassing for her too.
Bertha needs to get a CLUE. It’s girls like that that give us chicks a bad rep.
I would totally nominate Asshat.
Asshat, the beloved pet boiling merrily away on the stove has been done. Harlan’s too smart to copy someone else’s plot. We have to give Harlan credit, he does strive for originality in his daily installments.
Congrats on the award. I just saw the results were out and had to go see if you won… …you did.
Fine, so she’s a nutjob. But Harlan, by making the active decision not to call her back, you’re actively making a decision to hurt and distress her as well. You wouldn’t have gotten all those crazy messages if you had leveled with her the first time she called.
Here’s something to ponder for a future post — does your level of guilt correlate with your isolation score?
I’m hoping for your sake that ‘Bertha’ has been slightly fabricated in order to add some entertainment value for the readers… HOWEVER.. that said.. I know many ‘Bertha’s’ and sadly, I think you’ve run into one of them..
“relationship” — is she serious?
Be honest with her..
or, tell her you had a lovely evening, but you’re just not interested in starting a relationship right now.. ?? or that you’re moving to … New Zealand?
Dear Harlan - congrats on the award! I picked your blog’s title out of the list and have spent the evening reading all the way from the beginning.
Your posts are a refreshing taste of brutal honesty and I’ll tell you we all have a little “Harlan” in us. I suspect there are other facets you aren’t as colorfully candid about sharing.
Run from Bertha, pee on Jane’s plants, get that resume out and keep your blog real!
Blessings, Kim
Call her, do her, dump her, and tell us all about it.
Hi Harlan,I was checking the Bloggies to see if another blog I read had won and found yours. Your blog is definitely worthy of the award, I have read it from the beginning tonight. Congratulations!
Bertha is a bit over the edge, she would suffocate you in about two minutes. Oddly enough, I did not mean that in a physical sense. But either way….
Keep writing, I will be checking in daily. Our relationship is NOT going to end like this, do you hear me?
No blank checks from credit card companies huh? When are you going to send me the beta on this internet test / experiment? Haven’t heard from you…..WTF?
don’t you think that, relatively, harlan is just as insane as bertha? i mean, she throws up, he steals plants.
or are they really just the same person?
seems like they are perfect for each other either way.
Perhaps that was Richard’s thinking, shyness.
You won an award for writing about your life? Gawd, I wish I was a [insert multi-adjective pejorative here] so I’d have something to write about and win an award.
I mean all I do is brilliant work for cheap. And what do I get? A small paycheck, that’s what I get.
If she only the first or second message, I’d agree with Dan and everyone else and call her back. But the last one reveals levels of crazy that you don’t want to deal with. I’d actually continue ignoring her. Don’t call back, don’t email or anything and eventually she will get bored. And have a talk with Richard about sharing your phone number.
Harlan, if that number is fake then who did I speak to…HUH!? Dude, now I’m thinking that you’re thinking that I thought up this big ‘ole lie.
WHAT ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP?!?!