The Answering Machine
Posted by harlan on 10 Mar 2008 at 06:40 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
The phone has been ringing all day long. Sometimes Bertha leaves messages. Most of the time she hangs up. I also can see Richard’s left a message. Between the two of them, I’m up to 7 messages. I’ll listen to them tomorrow. I can’t deal with them just yet.
No calls from potential employers, though.
One of the nice things about not answering the phone is that people think you’re out doing something. For all they know, I could be at a zoo. I could be doing charity work or playing a pick-up basketball game with buddies, and then maybe going out afterwards for a beer and hitting on chicks in a bar.
If I answer the phone, the caller instantly knows I’m hanging out at my condo in the middle of the day, probably watching television or living my life on the Internet. So there’s no way I’m answering the phone. But I’ll probably break down and listen to the messages.
I just have this odd feeling that I need to steer clear of Bertha. Something about her frightens me.
The one genuinely interesting thing that happened today was winning a 2008 Bloggie award for Best Blog. When it was announced, I actually got a little bit dizzy. Thanks for voting for me. This blog is actually the one thing in my life that I’m sort of proud of.
Isolation Score: 2
Congratulations on your win. :)
(I hate answering the phone.)
Congrats!
I don’t answer the phone either..
but I always check my messages.. then decide who’s worthy of a call back..
Today I found a link to your website in the bloggie awards.
And I state as many have done before me: you are not alone, certainly not “so very” alone.
By reading you I realise neither I am.
…
When she and I talked on the phone, sometimes I turned music on with “live effects”. I would play some messages with laughs and sighs. I knew she could listen to them. I simulated I enjoyed life with someone else. All I desire is to be with her, or with anyone that is worth my time. But my birthday is imminent, and I know this time she won’t call nor even write.
Congratulations! I found your website when you were nominated for the Bloggie Awards and subsequently picked you.
You should tell Bertha you’re not interested so she’ll stop calling. Unless you want her calling you?
Also found you from the Bloggie Awards…. I think we’re kindred spirits as I write often about being alone (and cultivating it). I like your place; it’s got a stripped down feel to it that helps one concentrate on the writing….. which is why we’re bloggers, right?
congrats on the win!
also…why not give bertha another chance?
you never know..and i feel that one awkward night over sushi isn’t always the best way to get to know someone
Why don’t you go to the zoo? And volunteering is a great idea. Charity work can be pretty rewarding if you can get out of your comfort zone. One of the scariest things I ever did was volunteer at a shelter in downtown Vancouver. It was scary for me because I would get hit on sometimes and didn’t want to turn on the usual bitchy attitude. But most times the guys were polite and looking for a smile and a kind word. Or you could volunteer at the local SPCA. Then you wouldn’t have to deal with people.
Thanks, everyone, for saying those nice things. You might be interested to know that I have received 777 page views because of the Bloggies today (according to Google Analytics). That’s almost three times as many page views as I normally get from all sources combined.
I found you through Fat Cyclist, and just read through all the archives. And I promised myself I wouldn’t give advice, and then amended it to: I will try not to give stupid advice. So
a) I like your blog.
b) congrats on the award.
c) Buy new pants well before any possible job interview.
and d) I’ve found, when I feel stupid, and don’t know how to ask what I need to know, it works best to just say it. As in, “How do you eat this? I’ve never had it before.” Someone will usually tell you, without too much condescension. (Hell if I know if that last word is spelled correctly.)
see, you’re not alone anymore.
congratulations ;)
Congrats indeed, Harlan. I’ve also been following since you were nominated for the Bloggie.
You SHOULD be proud of what you’ve done here. You’ve drawn in many people who can identify with you. The best way to feel better about something is to share openly with people who can identify and are also looking for some solution.
Now… about those voicemail messages….
Stay away from Bertha! If she won’t stop calling now, when she barely knows you, imagine if you “got involved”. Plus, if she doesn’t attract you, what is the point? Better alone than with someone yo think is icky.
I am sure you don’t need me to tell you this. But just in case.
Congratulations Harlan! I knew you’d win. I voted for ya! Keep up the good work. You know Pioneer Woman won the same award last year, and now she gets 15,0000 hits a day and more. You might want to think about beefin’ up the ads, especially considering you’re unemployed and all.
I think it’s such crap that YOU won and other great blogs didn’t.
You aren’t honest about this blog being fiction, this is a crap of a website and it just makes me MAD. Other, more deserving websites, pour their honest hearts out… other than this sorry excuse for a blog which almost pokes fun at the honest people out there.
I hope you can live with yourself “Harlan”
I know I couldn’t.
Sorry to repeat this but I think that yous should call Bertha, have a second date, make love to her, enjoy your life!!…You’ll feel better afterwards for sure.
why on earth would you be scared of a woman who puked on you then repeatedly calls? shes probably a lovely lady. ha.
Maybe you should listen to those messages. What if she has some contagious disease and since she puked on you, you could be at risk?
You don’t need people to tell you what to do. Listen to your heart and do what you know is right for you. Keep sending out those resumes too, I have a good feeling that something fabulous is going to happen soon.
Congratulations on your win, Harlan! I had faith in you from the moment I first started reading what you have to say. Your account of what’s going on in your life is of great interest to quite a number of people, for various reasons. It’s kinda like an interactive comic strip in which readers can speak to the main character and try to influence his actions or thought processes. Fascinating.
p.s. since Richard knows about your blog he’ll know you’re avoiding answering the phone, not at the zoo. he probably told Bertha about your blog too.
p.p.s. Trust your gut when it comes to Bertha.
p.p.p.s Hey Asshat, how were the Bloggies? That is one acceptance speach I’d have loved to hear.
I can’t believe Madd would actually accuse you of not being honest…I mean COME ON!
You would never lie to us, would you Harlan?
Oh, by the way….we need more on Bertha and her ginormous polyester covered butt. This avoidance thing is getting old.
The reason Harlan was accused of not being honest is because he’s stated before that “he puts in fake stuff.”
Come on, are you guys really that dense?
lintys, I decided not to go to the bloggies when I read that the grand prize was only $20.08. That wouldn’t even buy a decent pair of sweatpants. I hope that Harlan dedicates his winnings to a noble cause. Like the Cylon Anti-Defamation League, maybe.
Congrats, Harlan, on your magnificent achievement.
MAD!, go eff yourself. Maybe you and Trevor can console one another.
So, it looks like we shouldn’t try and set Harlan up with Mad, since Mad stated s/he couldn’t live with him. Though, they could still date, I guess. Hmmm…
Mad, Everyone nominated wins - everyone got more hits and more exposure and I’ll bet has gained new readers. Let’s not lose sight of how many bazillions of blogs there are out there. It’s really quite an honor to be nominated.
It’s a shame that you would want to rain on Harlan’s parade. No one likes a sore loser. Just because you’re sad for the ones that didn’t win doesn’t mean you have to piss on the one that did. “Harlan” or Harlan, this blog won fair and square.
Asshat, too bad. your report would have been memorable, i’m sure.
Dude, you chose “Bertha” as the pseudonym for your barfing polyester nightmare date. That tells Herb everything he needs to know.
Don’t even think about calling her back. (Unless you want to get involved in a “I’ll be Regan and you can be Father Merrin” sort of thing, then it’s OK.)
I’m not so sure I’d even call “Richard” back–sounds like he was pulling some kind of viscous gay thing by setting you up with a cow.
And Mad!, go whip up a latte, listen to some Kenny G. and get over it.
Herb, I totally agree. “Bertha” conjurs up visuals of large extremities, with even larger hairy boils, covered in everything polyester, 20 sizes too small!
Ewww! I just grossed myself out.
I also agree that Madd needs to ‘whip’ something up, but something that would provide much more relief than a latte!
FYI, Harlan posted this on a blog that didn’t win in his catagory:
Here’s my secret: I put in just enough fake stuff in my blog to intentionally make people think NONE of it’s real. But most of it is.
Congrats on the award !
Are you going to list the Bloggie award on your updated resume ?
WTG Harlan. Go with the glow…