so very alone…

Last night, I wrote about what was going on with me at the time, which was that I was still thinking about LOTR.

Today, Ashley commented to my thoughts on LOTR with the following:

…[Y]es, i did try to get harlan a dog but i in no way think he is dying to talk to any of us. i don’t even know why he reads any comments or has this blog other than the fact that he enjoys his self pity. i think harlan needs help. he is a depressive or an agoraphobic or something. i care about what happens to him because he is a human being and we all feel the way he ALWAYS feels some of the time. but i’m bored reading this because all of these strangers are trying to give harlan advice and all he does is blow it off so he can bitch and moan about not getting laid and living a life uncomfortable in his own skin. harlan, do you ever read the news? do you know that iraqi children can’t even play outside for fear of being blown up? or that women in saudi arabia are beaten and sentenced to jail for being gang-raped? i’m over this blog. you’re too selfish and self-obsessed to recognize there is a world of REAL problems out there, other than someone like you CHOOSING to life a miserable life and die alone because you don’t want to get help.

Since Ashley says she isn’t going to read my blog anymore, I guess it doesn’t really matter how I reply to her, because she won’t see it.

Of course, I’m probably a lot different than Ashley in that any time I’ve written a flame comment in a blog or newsgroup and said I’m not coming back anymore, what really happens is I start coming back about ten times more often, because I want to see how people react to my flame.

But then, if someone does reply to my comment, I’m left in a pickle. I can’t reply back because I said I wasn’t going to come back anymore, even though I have a really great comeback.

Sometimes, I log in as a different person and post that comeback in defense of me (”Hey, I think Harlan’s right because…”), to get around that quandary. I’m sure that’s something Ashley wouldn’t do, though. Because, as she mentioned, she is bored with me and over me.

So I guess it’s really lucky for Ashley that she isn’t at all like me, because if she were, she’d see my response below to her, and then she’d probably want to comment again, but would know she couldn’t, because she said she was over this blog.

So here’s what my reply would be to Ashley, if Ashley were here:

1. Ashley, when I’m bored of something on TV, I change the channel, but I don’t write a 200 word rant to the network. When I’m bored of a blog, I remove it from my RSS reader, but don’t leave a foaming, flaming sack of shit on the doorstep as I leave. Why should I? I’m bored. It’s not worth my time. You, on the other hand, went on and on and on about how I need help and therapy and your diagnosis of my mental health based on the teeny tiny window of my life I expose to you — in response to some observations I made about my favorite movie trilogy. That’s not the mark of boredom. That’s the mark of someone who needs to adjust the dosage of her meds.
2. Ashley, I may or may not know about current events and the trouble around the world. I haven’t told you. For all you know, I may give 25% of my net every month to the Red Cross and spend ten hours a week working at the homeless shelter. One thing is for certain, though: you don’t know me well enough to judge and scold me like that.
3. Ashley, we never made a contract — not even an informal one — that I would accept and heed advice. I write this blog because I want to. You are welcome to offer comments, but you if you feel like I betrayed you because I didn’t do what you say when you offered your unasked for advice, that’s your problem, not mine. If I want a dog, I’ll get one. And I don’t want a dog, by the way.
4. Ashley, when your parents told you to eat your vegetables because there are kids starving in China, did you ever wonder what that had to do with anything, or did you just accept the fallacy and dig in? I ask, because you are using the exact same argument on me. “Harlan, stop feeling bad because there are kids in Iraq who have a bad life, and there are women in Saudi Arabia who have a bad life, too.”
5. Ashley, I started this blog because I feel alone. I started it, by the way, about three months ago. I’m pretty sure you started reading it no more than two weeks ago. Did you really think that my life would change significantly in those two weeks — or even in those three months, just because I started a blog and got some great advice from you? Have you ever considered that some people take more than 90 days to get over a problem that’s been plaguing them for pretty much ever? Or were you thinking your advice would flip some magic switch in my brain, and I’d say, “Oh, that’s the problem!” and then turn into Matt Damon and send you a bunch of flowers with a nice card thanking you for fixing me? The sum of your advice, by the way, has been “Get a dog and get help.” You think I need therapy?! Wow, thanks for the epiphany! Nobody’s ever told me that before. I’m curious (actually, I’m not curious, that’s a rhetorical device): what major personal difficulties of your own have you resolved in the past couple weeks?
6. Ashley, I’m about 80% certain you are either my sister or her spiritual clone. You know, the sister I will do practically anything to avoid because she’s always nagging me to be more normal and get help and stop moaning and think of someone else for a change. My sister, by the way, is known by everyone in the world, even her youngest child who cannot yet speak, as a nag.

I guess it’s a good thing that Ashley isn’t reading this, or I’m sure she’d be pretty upset with me right now. But she isn’t reading this, which is just as well. Because I — unlike some people I know — realize that a flame mail / blog post / comment / whatever isn’t going to change anybody’s mind.

Here’s the thing though. This blog post perfectly illustrates why I don’t comment very often in my blog. I get all wound up and spend half an hour writing, rewriting, editing, second-guessing and fretting over my three line reply, which if I’m not careful winds up being a crazy tirade that misses the original point of the comment. And then I obsessively reload the comments page, waiting to see what the reaction is.

Basically, I don’t comment in this blog or in any of the 20 or so that I read daily because it would eat up my life. That doesn’t mean I don’t read your comments. I read all of them, usually several times.

You know what? I just realized something. I’m able to write stuff for this blog because I get to choose the topic. It’s like giving a presentation for work (which I hate, but I can do it if I have to). I don’t like to comment for the same reason I have a hard time with casual conversations. I don’t know what’s coming next and I don’t have time to prepare.

This was supposed to be a 10 line post. It kind of ran away from me.

Isolation Score: 6

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As I mentioned, I watched the LOTR trilogy last night since I knew I wasn’t going to sleep anyway. Before I give my thoughts, I wanted to apologize again for lying about Jane. It seems so stupid to me now to have said I was going out on a date with her. If I keep that kind of nonsense up, I’ll end up turning into the imaginary person people keep accusing me of being. I am really trying to tell the truth on this blog, even if it means exposing myself and all my weaknesses. Lying on this blog is as silly as lying to a therapist. (Not that I’d ever subject myself to seeing a therapist. I’ll get a lobotomy first.) That doesn’t mean it isn’t tempting to lie, especially when something goes terribly wrong and I want to protect myself from ridicule. I know that some readers think I’m a "looser" for telling fibs, but at least I can spell!

If I don’t count watching the commentaries, I’ve seen each of the LOTR movies at least a dozen times, but it’s been six months or more since I last watched them, so they felt fresh to me.

What I Don’t Like About the Movies

First, a small disclaimer. When I saw the LOTR movies in the theater, I was so overwhelmed by the majestic beauty that I not only overlooked any possible minor flaw, but I also got mad at people who wrote anything negative about the movies. After watching them on my television so many times, some of these minor issues have turned into actual pain points.

Viggo Mortenson - A hero should have a deep voice, a big nose, and a long sword. Sean Bean has a deep voice. So do Ian McKellan and Chrisopher Lee, not to mention John Rhys-Davies. That makes it even odder when Aragorn speaks. He sounds like a kid: "If by my life or death I can protect you, I will." Viggo also has problems with some of the blue screen acting, especially whenever he needs to show surprise. That’s partly the director’s fault. After some of those scenes, Peter Jackson should have said, "Cut! Let’s do another take. Viggo, remember you’re trying to look surprised, not constipated. Oh, and lower your voice!"

No Tom Bombadil - I love, love, love the scenes with Tom Bombadil in the book. When I heard he wasn’t going to be in the first movie, I actually posted a protest letter that created quite an internet stir.

The Return of the King - It’s just not as good as the other two movies, especially The Fellowship of the Ring. Part of the problem is the larger scale. As the story progresses, the battles get bigger and bigger, which make them less intimate and more reliant on CGI effects. Let’s face it, WETA doesn’t do CGI as well as some special effects companies, and these effects are more apparent on the small screen. The Mount Doom scenes are especially cheesy. Plus, the ending drags on way too long, just like in the book.

Pippin and Merry - They seem too nutty at the beginning of the movie. At any moment, you expect them to start kissing each other and then flinging their feces like monkeys. They settle down after Rivendell.

What I Love About the Movies

Boromir’s death scene - Now that was great acting. When it doesn’t make you cry, you know you’ve watched the movies too often.

Some of the plot changes - I thought replacing Glorfindel with Arwen was a stroke of genius. People just can’t absorb so many different characters in a movie as they can in a book, so it made sense to expand the role of an existing character. Besides, beefing up the love story between Aragorn and Arwen was an improvement on the book. And the horse chase sceen with the ringwraiths was stunning. It more than made up for Tom Bombadil’s absence.

Gollum - For me, one of the biggest disappointments in Academy Award history is when Andy Serkis wasn’t even nominated for Best Supporting Actor.

Frodo and Samwise – It’s thrilling to me whenever the movie returns to their story line. While reading the book, I always imagine myself to be Sam, cutting the spider with Sting and having Frodo on my back while I carry him up Mount Doom, and then holding his mangled hand in my lap after the ring has been destroyed. Sam is the real hero of the story.

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I finished my LOTR marathon early this morning. By the end, I had eaten a bag and a half of Tostitos and about 4 avocados worth of guacamole (I make my own guacamole, I’m picky about that). Probably about 3/4 of a bottle of salsa, too (I don’t make my own salsa).

I didn’t drink, because I was planning on going to work this morning, but by the time I finished the last movie, I could tell I wasn’t going anywhere. I’m no dietician, but I can tell I shouldn’t have eaten that much junk. Plus I was tired, and I had a headache.

So I sent email to my manager saying I’m taking a personal day. Knowing that I have a valid reason now for not going to work today so I don’t have to see Jane was a relief.

I just got up to write this very exciting update to my very wonderful and meaningful life, because for some reason I feel obligated.

And now I’m going back to bed.

Isolation Score: I don’t know. I’m beginning to think this “isolation score” thing is a stupid gimmick.

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