One of the odd things about not having a job — especially after spending some time in a casino — is that it’s easy to fall out of schedule. I take such long naps during the day that there’s no way I can sleep at night, so I don’t even try. And for some reason, I don’t want to sleep in my bed, so I sleep on my futon couch or on the sheepskin rug that I got from Pier 1 (yes, I paid for it). I’ve even fallen asleep in my computer chair (no, I didn’t pay for that one — let’s just say I got a screaming good deal at Walmart). I sleep best when the dryer is on.

I’m not exactly eating well either. You know your schedule is off when you’re eating cold pizza for breakfast in the evening. I think that’s one of the reasons I was so upset with Richard. If you have coffee with someone in the middle of the night, you’re going to be a little on edge. He’s still wrong to pick at me. Was I really dating Becky? What kind of question is that? We spent a lot of time together, I loved her, she seemed into me — end of story. I keep thinking about my vow to be as honest as I possibly can on this blog, even if it means showing parts of myself that aren’t flattering, and I honestly believe that Becky and I were dating.

One thing that did occur to me is that maybe my brother made the same mistake as Richard. Maybe he thought we were just studying together. But no. I have a distinct memory of telling him that I was in love with her, and of bragging about her. I have no illusion that he put his own needs over mine. I blame both him and Becky for the fact that I’m alone. I think all the time about what my life would be like if my brother hadn’t intervened. I’d have a house instead of a condo, I’d mow the lawn and plant a vegetable garden. I’d have children. And I’m fairly certain that marriage would help me overcome my social insecurities. We’d have friends over.

I’d be normal.

My sister tells me they’re living in a commune near the Amish. She says they call it an “intentional community.” She thinks the whole thing is weird, but I seriously doubt it’s any weirder than her life. Since I’m between jobs right now, I think it’s time to visit them. I just decided that this very moment, while I’m writing this. (At the very least, it’ll give me something to write about.) I’m going to click Submit and then head off to a pay phone.