I know this is going to sound really pathetic, but I’ve lost around $14,500 playing poker over the past five days.

I’m not, of course, even close to being the biggest loser in gambling that’s ever lived. I know other people have lost a lot more, in a lot shorter period of time. But for me, the real reason I feel like such an idiot is that I didn’t even care about the poker playing.

I was playing for Jane. I am such a chump.

Here’s what I mean. After I left my company (I’m practicing making it sound like I wasn’t fired, since technically I wasn’t, and I want to be able to sound convincing when I start interviewing for work…which is going to have to be a lot sooner than I originally thought), I went on a big online poker binge. I had this idea that maybe I’d wind up at the same virtual table as Jane, and that I’d be able to tell it’s her from the way she played, or her player handle or something.

Of course, that never happened. I should have thought it through: I’d have had a much better chance of "accidentally" running across Jane by hanging out at grocery stores close to where she lives.

I can’t believe I just admitted I’ve considered doing that.

Anyway, this morning, thinking that what I needed was an adventure and maybe a change of pace, I drove out to one of the reservation casinos close by (If you consider a five hour drive "close").

I was thinking maybe I’d do better if I could see my opponents, get a read on what their hands look like.

Instead, I did considerably worse.

I was getting a lot of lousy cards at first — 3-9, J-7,  2-Q — but I kept folding and just lost a few blinds. Then I finally got dealt K-Q suited (hearts). I bet four times the big blind, so it surprised me when two people called, including this Mennonite who gave the appearance of being lost. The flop was A-10-7, with two hearts, so I had both an inside straight draw and a flush draw. The Mennonite made a huge raise, the other guy folded, and I called. The turn was a 5 of spades. He pushed in a big stack, and I called again. I was committed. The river was a 7 of hearts, so I got my flush. The Mennonite checked, I put in half of the rest of my chips, and he raised me the rest of my chips. I called and turned over my flush. He had a full house, Aces over 7s. I told him I’d be right back. That was just my first trip to the ATM.

I could go on, but I don’t want to.

Afterward, this Mennonite — shit, I still cannot believe I got cleaned out by a Mennonite — told me that I was the easiest person in the world to read. He said that even people who are usually no good at reading people could read me. He said that I’m so good at telegraphing my emotions that maybe I should go into acting.

For a second I thought about making a joke about whether as a Mennonite he had sinned by mentioning telegraphs, but I could tell it wasn’t the right time. Plus, I’m pretty sure he could have beaten me soundly if it came to that.

No more gambling for me. Tomorrow I’m going home (staying in the casino hotel tonight) and putting my nice new Mac up for sale; I should have no problem finding either a music studio or a small film editing house to buy it. Then I’m going to fix up my resume and start job hunting.

One last thought: Cable TV has ruined hotel porn movies. There’s no longer any allure to watching a porn pay per view in the hotel, when you can just as easily watch one at home at half the price, without having to own up to it to the checkout clerk the next morning.