Today is the First Day of the Rest of Your Unemployment
Posted by harlan on 07 Feb 2008 at 04:06 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
I went by the HR woman’s office twice more today before I finally found her in her office. I told her that I had been looking for her because I had made an embarrassing error and wanted to rectify it before it became a real problem.
The HR person said, "What do you mean one embarrassing error?" As it turns out, the reason she’s been out most of the day is because she’s been talking with Jane, Elaine, and the company’s law firm.
You know what’s weird? My company, a law firm full of lawyers, is represented by a different law firm. That’s not exactly a vote of self-confidence.
The HR woman told me that Jane and Elaine were evaluating suing me and the company, but what they really wanted was for me to no longer be at the company.
I asked if it would be OK for me to resign instead of be fired. She said that she had already asked Jane and Elaine that question, and that they considered that an acceptable solution.
I asked if I could apologize to Elaine, and the HR person said absolutely not and that I should be very careful to not try to contact her in the future, for my own good. She also told me I should get some counseling.
I don’t know why, but when she said that, I teared up and I couldn’t stop my hands from shaking. I think she thought I was sad, but really I was just doing everything I could to not shout, "All I did was tell one fucking stupid joke!"
Obviously, it wasn’t the time or place for saying that.
If the HR woman had known that I stole her 7" LCD slide show picture frame during one of the times I came by her office today when she wasn’t there, she probably wouldn’t have liked me any better.
Anyway, I was escorted to my office, filled a couple boxes with my stuff under the eye of security, and then out of the building. We didn’t say anything to each other, which was a relief. I didn’t want to explain myself to him, and I really didn’t want to hear his opinion of me.
So, all things considered, I guess this hasn’t been as bad of a day as it could have been. Sure, I found out the woman I’ve had a crush on was considering suing me, but instead I just lost my job.
Here are the thoughts that keep circling inside my head.
1. I wish I hadn’t spent so much money on a new computer.
2. Now I don’t have an excuse to not go see my brother.
3. I didn’t like my job, but I like not having it even less.
4. The HR woman is the first and only person I have spoken with today.
Isolation Score: 11
Keep your chin up, life will get better. I promise
what? i have a hard time believing this. suing the company because you said something about a boob job?
but you deserve to be fired for stealing stuff. although i have a hard time believing that jane knew about it if you really brought it back first thing in the morning.
Dude, you’re awesome. You’re like the anti-Midas touch guy.
You’re Shit-touch guy. Everything you touch turns to shit. Mister merde. Sir schiessen.
Forget killing the goose that lays golden eggs, you’d feed that bastard to your friends and they’d get food poisoning and then sue you.
Now listen to me very carefully: I think you should write a book about your amazing ability to screw up the simplest of situations. It is my belief that you have a unique gift. You should write it right now while you’ve got time and you’re extraordinarily fucked up.
My experience has been that when God shuts the door he usually closes all the windows, too.
Maybe you should start stalking Jane.
She can’t have you fired now and it’s not like you don’t have the time. You won’t get into trouble with the cops as long as you stay off her property and don’t carry any weapons.
I just can’t believe it. I haven’t been following this blog for long enough to know much about the whole Jane thing, and I’m really not familiar with what you call “working environment” so I really can’t understand Elaine’s situation but for what Harlan told us, it REALLY didn’t seem SUCH a big deal. I’m confused. I’ve read some of the comments on the previous post and I think I understand things better now, even though I’m not familiar with it. But I can’t help being a little shocked. I’m sorry for you, Harlan. I hope things get better.
a chance to start fresh. you’ve got some good tools for that. don’t forget them.
good luck.
RF: 1
:(
Something doesn’t sound quite right here. I’ve worked with a lot of HR people (and gone through all the mandatory training that most big businesses make you go through) and have never heard of one with a ‘one strike’ rule.
Sure, you F-ed up several times, but before they can really fire you they would NEED to go through all the steps. Meetings, warnings, training, etc. If the first time you officially hear from them you are being fired (or pressured to resign) it sounds like a wrongful termination lawsuit waiting to happen!
My bet is that she was NOT about to fire you, since the company hadn’t gone through all the previous steps (unless there is something you aren’t telling us), but she jumped on your offer to resign since it made her life so much easier and made ‘the problem’ go away.
Then again… you could be the boy who cried wolf. I’m half expecting to see a story tomorrow saying “Sorry, I lied. I still work there. I just want to be honest with you now”
Something tells me that, along with other issues, you are a compulsive liar not to mention thief! (those picture frames aren’t cheap, don’t you have any respect for other people’s property?)
Harlan, if I promise to spell your name right will you forgive me for turning the lights out on you?
I really didn’t want to come back but I couldn’t help myself. It wasn’t so much you that was bothering me but more the Trolls.
I’m sorry about the job, you will find another one and be able to start over in a place where nobody knows you.
Told you so. He’s not real. Go read my comment on the bottom of the previous post.
The whole scenario sounds off to me. You should have talked to your own attorney before resigning. They would have had no cause to fire you. You’ve been bullied. Talk to a lawyer.
Hey Harlan,
You practically made my day when I realized that you addressed my comment in your previous post. To be honest,I don’t know how to feel when you say you steal stuff. I mean, obviously the general consensus is that it’s not a good behavior. But I was wondering if you can tell us more/explain your side of the story. How do you feel when you take something? Does it seem exciting, or it’s just something you do reflexively and don’t think much about? Have you done this since you were young? Come to think of it, you’re probably more upset about the job situation than a habit. So feel free to ignore me.
It sounds to me like it was time for you to move on anyway, Harlan. Chalk it up to experience. C’est la vie.
It feels like there is something missing in this story. I´m not saying that you are lying, maybe not telling the whole truth? I´m from a tiny country in Europe so I guess I don´t understand how things work there in your world but I can´t believe that a firm in a civilized country can fire someone because of a joke gone wrong.. at least not without talking with everyone involved… and to reject an apology offering… just weird.
But maybe this is fate.. your are supposed to do something else and this is your chance.
“Me,” can you please just give it a rest for one fucking night? I may be just a ridiculous game to you, but to me, this is my actual life, and it’s gone to hell today. So maybe you could find it in your incredibly clever and prescient heart to cut me just a tiny sliver of slack?
Ruby and Cristi, as I play the meeting over and over in my head, I keep thinking about that exact same thing. For one thing, she didn’t call me into her office, I came into it. And then she started talking to me about how upset Jane and Elaine were with me and I just assumed the next step was that I was going to be fired, so I tried to avoid that by offering to resign.
Ever since then, I’ve been wondering if maybe she was telling me those things not as a precursor to firing me, but as a warning leading up to me being required to take sensitivity training or something like that.
If that was the case, then I just handed my own head on a platter when I didn’t have to. I’ll bet Jane and Elaine and the HR rep spent the rest of the day giving each other high fives.
I feel nauseous just thinking about it.
A few things (two of which are important and the third is just me being anal-retentive).
1. Regardless of what might have been about to happen with HR, you were ready to up and leave that job. I think that you should go with your instincts on this one. For whatever reason, you actively created an unhappy work environment. If I were you, I’d spend at least tomorrow and the rest of the weekend trying to understand what the real issue is here. You’re unhappy with yourself and taking it out on other people perhaps?
2. I cry when I get frustrated with myself. Often, someone will say something to me and, because I have trouble accepting it, I get frustrated at my inability to defend myself and that brings on the tears. It was definitely a stupid and inappropriate joke to make and it sucks that you don’t get a chance to redeem yourself to your coworkers. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t need counseling.
3. The correct use of the word is “nauseated”. “Nauseous” means that you induce nausea in another person.
In summary (and I apologize for my verbosity): this is the Universe - and the blogosphere - trying to tell you something. If you do nothing else, take the next few days to put some time between this and your next decision.
Harlan, if it’s any consolation, they were going to fire you anyway, not recommend sensitivity training. You had become a liability issue for a lawfirm, which is like a lit cigar in a fireworks factory.
I’d seriously consider talking to a lawyer. It sounds to me like the HR rep bullied and guilted you into resigning. Depending on what state you live it it could be wrongful termination.
I’d forget about that job. Time to move on and assess your strengths and weaknesses so that you can find other career opportunities. Herb suggested that you become a stalker, but there’s not much money in that and you’d probably find some way to fuck it up. It appears that you have some talent at petty theft. Have you considered the possibility of full-time thievery as a new career? You can work alone and it’s recession-proof.
For Moshizzle:
nauseous
adjective
1 feeling as if you might vomit:
Roller coasters make me feel nauseous.
http://dictionary.cambridge.org/define.asp?key=53089&dict=CALD
nau·seous
–adjective
1. affected with nausea; nauseated: to feel nauseous.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/nauseous
Could be worse.
Hello Kaycee Nicole.
Hello Plain Layne.
Hello compelling blog soap opera with a swift and tragic ending.
There’s nothing new under the sun but it still makes for good reading.
Keep your chin up bro. All things happen in life for a reason. Sometimes…those reasons just SUCK!
Sorry it all went so badly for you, :-(
You really should consider getting some legal
advise about all of this. Whether you can do anything to change it, or not, being informed is the first step in taking control of your life. Can you return your new computer? Good luck! Maybe this could be just what you needed to start your life better in a different direction.
If the firm fired you in violation of your employment contract, you would have a cause of action; but you quit. Most people are at-will employees (no express contract), who can be fired for any reason or no reason. Since you quit, maybe the firm won’t have to pay unemployment compensation. It won’t hurt to talk to a lawyer, but don’t pay to do it. You were looking for a job when you found this one.
I’ll bet HR Woman, Jane and Elaine celebrated by having some hot lesbo threesome action in Harlan’s office after work.
That would be cool, Herb. I hope this discussion returns to tits, somehow.
Hi, I’m new to reading your life. Being human sucks some days. You shouldn’t have made the boob comment, but it was darned funny. I think what happened was not actually a bad thing. You’d have had an impossible time working there after that. Everyone would’ve been watching you like a hawk for the next “sexual harassment” comment. You don’t suck.
I want penis talk…..fagetabout tits!
8
Lily;
I’m with you. I can do the ‘tits’ thing whenever I want to… just by looking down! Poor boys, always wanting to play with the toys you don’t have. :)
Possible job options :
stand up comic
apply to work @ Wal Mart to beef up their anti theft dept.
freelance
tell your brother you can’t visit cause looking for a job is a full time job…unless you want a free meal…the visit probably won’t be as bad as your dreading it has….
Cristi, could you maybe look down and give us a description? Ann, could you please turn up the lights in here? Thanks.
maybe I should have added inches
I’m sorry, really. I don’t think you should have been fired on first offense. They should have spoken to you, given you a warning, whatever. This is why I think Unions are so important. The bosses can be tyrannical and arbitrary when there isn’t a Union.
Sounds like a lot of the people commenting here have either:
1. Never worked in North America or
2. Never worked for a large company
because if I made that comment where i work, i’d have been fired too.
No, its not really fair, but its the way a Large American Company will react if they think that they might be sued. Sexual Harassment lawsuits are something that no company wants to be subjected to.
Sorry to hear about this Harlan. I really hope you can find a new Job quickly, before the bills start piling up.
Stupid sexual harassment laws! Good luck, Harlan. I hope you find something soon.
I have to agree, these scenarios are not typical. All these things happening to one guy is rare. Don’t get me wrog, I do like your writing. You could write a great sit-com.
I enjoy reading your bogg regarless if it is true or not.
Folks, this blog is NOT REAL! There is no way you would get fired for something like that. Trust me, I worked in HR for years in a big corporation.
Like the person above me, I read this blog because it’s entertaining… also entertaining that others think it’s real.