I implied in my last post that I have a large sex organ. That’s not exactly true. Let’s just say that I don’t need to cut a very large hole in the pumpkin. And it bothers me. If I’m going to make outlandish claims like that, I might as well pretend to be a completely different person who throws money around at strip clubs and has sex with a different woman every night. That’s not me.

I’m surprised that penis size doesn’t come up more often in the mainstream media. I wouldn’t bring this up, but based on all the spam messages that fill up my In box, I must not be the only guy who isn’t hung like a donkey. In fact, penis size seems so critical to a man’s psyche that I’d think novelists would include that information up front. “Call me Ishmael. I have a 5-inch penis.” I’d think even the writers of the Bible would have understood the importance of the penis:

“So God created man in His own image; and He created them male and female. God named the first man Adam, and He did give unto Him a penis two palms in length; then later Adam called the woman, Eve, who measured three spans by two spans by three spans in circumference.” -Gen. 1:11

Joking about my small penis makes it seem like I’m okay with it. I’m not.  When I was in middle school, I remember at least a couple of instances when guys had to go up to the chalkboard when they had an untimely erection, and people laughed at them (I remember one of the guys holding his arms up proudly, as if he scored a home run). I too was called to the front of the room when I had an erection, but no one laughed. That’s because no one noticed.

Even back when I was skinny, my penis seemed disproportionately small. My genitals are like a little bundle of grapes tangled in hair. Now, if I were ever to get naked in a gym, I’m afraid guys might think I was in the wrong locker room. I have no fear of being naked in a gym locker room because I vowed I’d never go in a locker room ever again, but taking my clothes off in front of a lover is a whole different manner. Gulp. As sad as it sounds, I think my mediocre passage through puberty contributes to my shyness and anxiety.

Well, there it is.