I Should Go Talk To Jane
Posted by harlan on 29 Jan 2008 at 02:22 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
Everyone always talks about how they feel so bad after a night of heavy drinking, but you know what? I feel great. I’m not sure it has anything to do with the drinking, although the drinking didn’t hurt matters.
My point is that things are finally going my way.
Yesterday, I talked with Richard, asking him why he had been so sad last week. He told me it was because his lover left him. The conversation was kind of like this.
Me: Sorry. I wish I knew what to say, but I’ve never had a serious girlfriend.
Richard: Really, not one?
Me: No. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone out with a woman at all.
Richard: Me too. Ha ha.
Me: But you just said your girlfriend left you.
Richard: No, I said my lover left me. You know I’m gay, right?
Me: No. Well, I do now. But how would I have known before?
Richard: Do you seriously not have any "gaydar" at all? I never even had to come out. Everyone knew I would be gay even before I hit puberty. Even my parents knew I was gay.
Me: I don’t really notice stuff like that. Other people have said that before, too. I don’t understand how people can tell another’s sexual orientation by looking at them. Dividing people up by whether they’re gay or straight doesn’t really make sense to me
Richard: Well, how do you divide people up?
Me: I can either picture them laughing at me behind my back, or I can’t. Mostly I can.
So I asked him who it was who left him, mostly to be polite. It turns out that it was J.B., the prick who was with Jane at the Christmas party.
I felt like someone had hit me on the back of the head with a large textbook. If J.B. was gay, then he probably isn’t Jane’s boyfriend, especially since he is (I mean was) Richard’s boyfriend.
Richard started telling me about what happened between him and J.B., but I had a hard time paying attention. I was still trying to wrap my head around this news. Jane’s not taken. Jane’s available!
But I’m standing firm on J.B. being an asshole, to show solidarity with Richard. I told Richard we’d get revenge on J.B. Richard said that wasn’t really his way, but I feel like I owe it to him. I have a few ideas, but nothing I love. I’ll put it on the backburner. I’ll come up with something. I have a mean streak most people would never even suspect.
My next order of business, though, is to go talk with Jane. I’ve avoided her entirely since Christmas, a whole month now. So it’s not a good idea for me to go ask her out right away. First I’ll just go say hi. And then I’ll wait a couple days and drop by and say hi again. By this time next week, though, I’m going to ask her if she wants to go get lunch with me. I could have Richard come along so it doesn’t seem like I’m being too forward. Plus he’ll be around if I freeze up and can’t think of anything to say, which will probably happen at least a couple times.
I’ve got a friend, and I’ve got a plan for getting to know Jane. It’s like the best day I’ve had in nine years.
Now I just need to come up with an excuse to not go visit my brother and everything will be perfect.
Isolation Score: 1
Woo Hoo! I’ll bet Walmart comes up short a few Monty Python movies tonight!
(and to you people who said I didn’t ‘get it’
PPPPTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHTTTTTTT!!!)
First, props on making friends with Richard. Awesome! Now next time you’re going to the pub after work, bring him. Oh, and look for a new bar, in a small town or on a lesser used side street, something without too much neon and flash. The bar you’re looking for where everyone knows everyone’s name does exist, it’s just not as big or centrally located as Cheers. I’ve had a bar like that in every city and town I’ve lived in. That includes Salem, MA & Boston, MA so it is even possible in a big city, although it’s easier in a small town. Make sure you tip properly though. You don’t have to overtip and be Mr Money, but if you’re leaving the quarter change on a $4.75 drink the bartender has to make you, you’re not going to make friends. The bartender is everyone’s friend, so if you stiff them, you stay an outsider. Say hi to them, ask how business is, or something about the weather or local sports, break the ice and let them know you’d like to talk rather than just be left alone. That’ll open the door. And bring Richard; it’s easier to meet people when you’re not alone, as cruelly ironic as that is. Especially gay men. They’re great at meeting people, especially women. Well, the flamboyant ones, anyway, which Richard seems to insinuate he is.
With Jane, I say go say hi, but don’t obsess over it. There’ll be another Jane. Think of it as practice, not the big game. You’re in your rookie years, there’s time.
Regarding your brother, we don’t know what the issue is, but I’d tell him. You need an excuse not to go visit, and “I don’t want to” is a pretty good one. He’ll want to know why, and I suggest you tell him. “You make me feel _______ when you do _______ and I don’t want to deal with it.” or “I’m pissed at you for when you did ______”. Worst case, you get out of the trip. Best case, he works on what makes you want to avoid him to begin with.
Damn shame you’re not in NH, I’d go out with ya some night and help ya find some social people. Somehow I have a feeling Richard may be able to do that for ya though.
This has to do with your last post, but who is Becky and why don’t you like your brother too much?
Congrats on finding out that Jane is single. It’s so exciting when you like someone and find out that they are actually single.
I think this deserves a high five *high five* <–too far?
Dan K has given you some good advice, listen to him.
It sounds like you might be able to connect with Richard. On the surface you might not seam like likely friends but you actualy have a lot in common. I Gay man knows what it feels like to be lonely. And he could be your cover to go out and meet a girl, he certainly wont be any compitetion(sp).
As far as the girl goes. Say Hi to her. Ask her how her weekend was. You need to say more then just Hi to get to know someone. Then the next day , ask her if she would like some company for lunch. And no need to bring along a buddy.
Best of luck.
i think this blog is bullshit. i used to think it was real, but the more i read the less i believe you
Excellent news.
You can do it. Just keep chanting to yourself “what the fuck, why not” - it makes it easier.
As for J.B., the first thing you can do is get his personal email address and sign him up for everything you can think of. Have pizza/food delivered to his house, maybe from a different restaurant, every night for a week. The possibilities are endless. Throwing up in his plant wouldn’t be enough.
You and Richard become best buddies. You realize that if Richard doesn’t hold a grudge against J.B., you shouldn’t, either. You find out that Jane has been waiting for months for you to take the initiative to talk to her. You and she fall in love, marry and have adorable children. You accept that it was your fault that Becky left you for your brother because you gave her no reason to stay with you. Because of this, you become reconciled with both your brother and Becky. You realize that you are exceptionally blessed and no longer need to drink or steal stupid crap from Wal-mart. You win big at internet poker but donate your winnings so sick children can attend Hannah Montana concerts. You win next year’s bloggies as your blog becomes so disgustingly sweet that even Trevor can’t stand to read it.
Isolation score: Go figure.
AK, please tell me how I can convince you that I’m for real. It’s so important to me that you believe in me. Asshat.
wewt! It’s so nice to hear that you had a great day.
We’re gonna hold you to the “by this time next week” comment you know, so don’t drop the ball. :)
And, if I may, a word of advice: as much as you’d like to take Richard along as a safety net when you take Jane out for lunch, remember that she and JB are friends–it will be awkward for her and for Richard if he goes, and that could be very unpleasant.
AK, i’ve been reading it too the last month or two and the last week i’ve been having the exact same feeling that this blog is fake.
I don’t know. I hate when they turn out to be fake -_-
Folks,
If this blog is fake what have we lost? If on the other hand it is true, then as potentially good people we should help where we feel able…
My opinion, which has no real value, is that there is a core of truth surrounded by gross exaggeration…
Harlan, Go for it!
Just in response to Dan K’s “You make me feel _______ when you do _______ and I don’t want to deal with it.”
An “I feel” statement is the better way to go. It helps make the person less defensive, and will give him no way to object, as you were simply stating the way you feel. “I feel ____ when ____” doesn’t put any blame on him, while “you make me feel ___” immediately puts him on the defense.
hey haralan:
i just see inconsistencies in your stories: you steel patio furniture but buy $11,000 worth of computer equipment.
you’re vomiting and holing up in you bedroom, and then you’re talking about going for lunch.
also, your tone just seems way younger than what i think you’re age is “supposed” to be.
Lastly, your site is copyrighted.
Re. the social interaction issues, lack of gaydar etc. When you talk to people, do you look at their eyes? Or do you often look anywhere but their eyes? Do you get hung up/deeply involved in one hobby at a time?
Good luck!!
AK: No question it is fake, I believe it is some type of writing experiment. This blog is a nice distraction and fun to read but definitely not genuine.
if this is real, you must have some sort of anxiety disorder, as i do. go to a doctor, get some xanax. life is too short not to feel free.
What are you going to do if you find out she is a lesbian? Maybe you should ask Richard if she is in a relationship…
So, some of you are saying that because Harlan exhibits paradoxical and confused behavior the he must be a fake?
I suggest that humans are fake. You’re fake. I’m fake. Only within the firelight of a campfire are we real.
What about Sen. Criag from Idaho, the conservative religious man who cruises for gay sex in public restrooms.
The evangelical leader (forgot his name) who got busted for soliciting a male prostitute.
Those of us who consider ourselves absolutely honest, moral people, but call in sick for work, cheat on our taxes, slack off at work, and like to torture animals.
BTW, Harlan, what you need to do is forget Richard, forget lunch, and forget “working up to it.” You need to be honest and just tell Jane, politely, that you think she’s fantastic and want to have sex with her.
Asshat?
Real or fake, this blog’s getting a little tedious, isn’t it? Sort of like “Dilbert” meets “Cipher in the Snow.” It could definitely stand some more sex.
Leland: You said: “slack off at work, and like to torture animals”
Are these really in the same vein? Are you writing from prison?
Seriously…….
Good call Itty. Harlan, I back this fine suggestion/correction.
Also, I’ve been wondering on the real/fake thing as well, and took the side of “I don’t really care if it entertains me, and it’s more fun if I go with it” attitude. It’s the only way to watch a movie without spending 90 minutes saying “That car doesn’t have the ground clearance for that” and “The high capacity mag for that Glock only carries 15 rounds. With one in the chamber he was 3 short of the 19 he just shot without reloading”. I must say though, the site being copyrighted does add a weight to the scale.
I have been saying this blog was fake from the time I started reading it which was before Xmas. I still think it’s fake and it’s also boring, and I have no idea why I have it bookmarked and keep wanting to read it. I just cannot wait until we find out the truth.
Judi is with asshat,
Judy you say you can’t wait to know the truth about this blog. You have already created the truth in your head and you are probably like most other people and you are a boring person that can’t have fun with anything and are always judging others. I think you are jealous of Harlan that he is starting to come out of his shell and having some fun and you live a life of mediocrity and you are not all right with that. Maybe you need to start a blog about a fictitious life you wish you had. I love Harlan’s blog, and that he is trying to take wal-mart down. I HATE WALMART. I have never bought anything form there, but I have stole plenty.
Who cares if wal-mart’s prices go up maybe the people wal-mart hurts the most will stop shopping there after the prices go up and wal-mart will go out of business and our economy may start to have a middle class again. I promote Harlan’s pillaging of wal-mart!
Richard: Well, how do you divide people up?
Me: I can either picture them laughing at me behind my back, or I can’t. Mostly I can.
That line gave me chills. (Yes, I’m reading from January. Just found your blog and I’m staying up tonight until I get caught up….)
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