That was the worst five days of my life.

I came home from work feeling kind of lousy on Friday, which is when I wrote here that I have a cold.

By Saturday I felt really bad. Cold, except when I’m hot. Sore throat. Nothing tasted good, and drinking hurt. I stayed in bed. The inside of my mouth hurt.

By Sunday afternoon I couldn’t walk very well. The one time I peed my piss was closer to pumpkin-colored than yellow. The inside of my mouth hurt so bad, I thought it must be bleeding inside, even though it didn’t taste like blood.

I looked in the mirror and it wasn’t bleeding. My tongue was covered with cankers. It turns out that the reason everywhere in my mouth hurt when I touched it with my tongue was because my tongue was messed up.

I considered the irony of this for a while, but the Ambien kept me from figuring out how it might be a funny joke. Not that I had plans to call my sister and tell her, even if I had come up with a BRILLIANT joke. We’ve had this conversation before:

Me: I’m really sick. Could you come take care of me? I’m really sick.

Her: If you really need me. I’ll have to figure out who’s going to take care of the kids. And I’ll have to get someone to cover for me for teaching piano lessons. And I’ll need to get the oil changed in my car before I drive down.

Me: Never mind. I’m fine.

On Monday morning about 3am, I emailed my manager and said I wouldn’t be coming in the next day.

On Monday about 5pm, I went from having a hard time walking to not being able to walk at all. I called my doctor. Closed. Figures.

I thought of all the people I could call to help me out, but decided that list was pretty much my sister (no chance), although I briefly considered calling Richard. But that would have been weird.

So I called a taxi instead, crawled down the stairs and to the front door, got the driver to give me a hand into the car (he didn’t complain or refuse, which I was worried he might do) and got a ride to the Emergency Room at the hospital.

Monday evening must be a pretty good time to get sick, because I only waited in the Emergency Room for about 90 minutes.

The doctor there took a look at me, smelled my breath (!!!), and said he was sure I had a really bad case of strep. I asked what my breath had to do with it and he said strep has a certain smell.

Strange. I wonder if my breath always smells like that.

He also said I seemed really, really dehydrated.

So he put me on something for the strep (amoxydihoxyaphmedocillin or something just as weird sounding), hooked me up to an IV to get me rehydrated, and put me in a room to stay overnight, just to make sure I was better.

Of course, it wasn’t a private room. That would have been too comfortable. The guy received phone call after phone call after phone call, and then — even after 10pm, his wife hung around and talked with him. I don’t think she left until close to midnight.

My right arm, the one with the IV in it, was cold the whole night and I couldn’t sleep.

Tuesday morning, the doctor said that the strep was responding, but I was still dehydrated, and that I should tell my family I would be staying another day.

I called my manager and said I wouldn’t be in, but I didn’t call anyone else, including my stupid sister, who would have given me hell for not calling her.

People were bringing balloons and shit for my roommate all day. Eventually, I took a walk with my IV out into the hall and called FTD from my cell phone. I ordered a bouquet to be delivered to my room.

I know that sounds pathetic but I had to have something.

The guy brought in the flowers and left. And meanwhile my bed was part of the parade route for my roommate, who had at least twenty people stop by. I am not exaggerating.

He didn’t even seem sick to me.

This morning, I felt so much better. Not achy. My tongue feels scabby, but not covered in cankers anymore. So I finally came home.

I’ll go back to work tomorrow.

Total visitors while I was at the hospital: 0

Total comments on this blog after I mentioned I was sick and then didn’t post for 5 days: 2. Thanks for caring, folks.

Isolation Score: 9.99