I’ve always scoffed at New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve always known that people break their resolutions, and that using the new year as a time to make a change is really arbitrary.

And here I am, pretty much the same person as I was this time last year, with pretty much the same lack of focus. So this once, I’m going to make a reasonable number of resolutions. And I am going to then tackle them as if they were action items, given to me by an unforgiving boss. Here are the three resolutions to which I am resolved:

Resolution 1: Stop spending money on ridiculous things. On Christmas morning, I ordered a computer so far out of proportion to what I need that I have since spent several hours looking for software that will let me somehow justify this purchase. I could, evidently, open up a fairly nice feature film editing studio, or make the very best home movies ever. Except I don’t have anyone to film. I don’t even have a camcorder, unless you count my phone.

I know that I spend money on myself when I feel angrily alone. My mindset is kind of like, "Well, why shouldn’t I? Who’s going to stop me? What am I saving up for? Remind me sometime to tell the story of how I got my car. For now I’ll just say that learning what the initials "BMW" stand for was as expensive a lesson as I’ve ever had. Bavarian Motor Works, just in case you didn’t know.

Resolution 2: Lose 30 pounds. I need to lose more like 60 pounds, but that’s too much to lose in a year. I will do this by using the Slim-Fast diet, which seems very convenient and doesn’t require me to go to any meetings or meet with a counselor or anything like that.

Resolution 3: Make someone fall in love with me. I realize this is ridiculous. I can’t make anyone fall in love with me. Jane didn’t make me fall in love with her. I just did.

Just in case you’re interested, I expect that I will do a very good job with the first resolution until something really bad happens to me. I will also do well on the second resolution until I either get turned down or fail to have the courage to ask someone on a date.

Resolution 3 won’t ever even appear on the horizon.