December 25th
Posted by harlan on 25 Dec 2007 at 12:26 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
I know better than to try to pretend Christmas isn’t happening. I’ve tried to avoid it and act like it’s just another day, but there’s a buzz in the air that gets under my skin. I know everyone else is opening gifts and munching on candy canes while I’m flipping channels and listening to music and playing chess online, all at the same time. The worst part of the whole deal is that everyone thinks that because I’m alone, I’m lonely. No, the worst part is feeling so alone. And insignificant. I watched the tail end of It’s a Wonderful Life, which used to bring me to tears because I could identify with the James Stewart character. Now I realize that we have nothing in common. If an angel showed me the alternate reality in which I was never born, I’m pretty sure he would be grasping at straws to find any differences. “Look, someone else is living in your condo. Oh, and look! Someone else is in your cubicle!” Big deal. Let’s face it, the world would be the same exact place if I didn’t exist. But I don’t want to be a downer. I hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
Everything, Harlan, everything in your life occurs only as it is filtered through your perceptions. This may or may not make sense to you, but trust me, it’s the truth and it’s important.
If you are a real man and not a writing exercise, as some here have wondered, then all this is painfully real to you, I know. And it all seems so inevitable. But it isn’t inevitable. Change your perceptions of yourself and other people, and your life will change. I know. I did it.
Find. A. Therapist. Sitting at home obsessing over other people’s reactions to you and feeling helpless WILL NOT CHANGE ANYTHING.
I won’t wish you a Merry Christmas - I know you’re not having one. But I will wish you a better year in 2008, a year that includes you deciding that you’ve had enough of your life as it is, and taking steps to change it.
^^^^word.
You sound like you suffer from something like anxiety attacks. My mom and my best friend- two different people ;) both get them.
My mother learned learned to breath properly when stressed out. It was that simple. Shaking, being light headed, and nausea can sometime be the result of literally being to scared to breath. My friend got some long needed medication that lets him be himself.
Seeing a therapist is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. Your brain is an organ like your kidney or your spleen. And if you even suspected there was a problem with them, you would see a doctor right?
Your in IT, and you sound like you might code, so let me put it to you this way: it’s a waste of time trying to make your code work properly if the hardware its running is having a problem. Fix the hardware and maybe you’ll discover your code’ been just fine all along.
Or maybe your not a programmer, in which case just ignore that last bit..
Happy Boxing Day! :)
go find a bridge abutment.
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