What If I Just Disappeared?
Posted by harlan on 23 Dec 2007 at 09:39 pm | Tagged as: talking to the void
A while back I said that I’m the VP of IT at the law firm where I work, but then I admitted that’s not true. I do work in the IT department, though. That part is true, so it’s not that big of a stretch. And right now database programmers can new jobs easily.
I’m saying this because I’ve been thinking over this weekend: what if I just went into work tomorrow with a box, filled it up with my stuff, and emailed the HR rep that I’m giving two weeks notice, effective now? I could walk out of the building, gone without saying goodbye to anyone, out the door before most people drag themselves in.
Most of that two weeks is during the Christmas break, and nothing’s happening the other three days. I’ve got more than three weeks of unused vacation my company would pay me for, and I’m sure I could find a new job before my money ran out.
Right now, the idea of just vanishing sounds great. Maybe Jane would notice. More likely not, though. I can’t believe she asked me if I was going to the Christmas party, and then arrived with someone else. Except now that I write that, I realize she probably asked forty or fifty people that exact same question that day. Nothing personal about it. She was probably on the planning committee or whatever.
It’s not like I had a claim on Jane. I know that. She didn’t say, “Let’s start a romance together at the Christmas party,” or anything like that.
But something was off about the guy she was with. I didn’t like him. I mean, I thought he seemed too nice, like to everyone. Like he was trying to win a popularity contest or something. I mean, as soon as I ran into Jane and him at the party, he was asking all kinds of questions about me like he cared who I was. I wish I would have had the balls to say, “Look, you got Jane. I don’t have anyone. You’ve won. So will you please just shut the fuck up and let me have some peace?”
Saying something like that didn’t even occur to me until about two hours later, though. In real life, I just said I needed to go find some ibuprofen. Which was true, by the way. I am trying to be more honest.
Anyway, you can see why I am not thrilled at the idea of seeing Jane every workday for the rest of my life. Yes, she’s in IT, too. Project Manager. A really good one…it’s like she actually understands what I do for a living. You have no idea how rare that is.
Jane’s not the only reason I’m thinking of just quitting, though. Maybe she isn’t even the main reason. It’s the woman who kissed me at the party. I’ll car her Jezebel, because that sounds appropriately evil. Friday, I walked from floor to floor, through the cube mazes, looking for her. It didn’t take long, no more than ninety minutes.
I walked by her cubicle twice, seeing her on the phone. I acted like I was going somewhere each time. On the third pass, she was off the phone and said, loudly, “Were you waiting for me?”
Who wouldn’t be put on the defensive by that? So I said, “No, I’m waiting for the person in the next cubicle to come back. We have a meeting. He’s late.”
“She’s off for the rest of the holidays,” said Jezebel. Shit. Shitshitshit.
“Well, I wish she would have declined the meeting, then.” This wasn’t going right. I tried to change the subject. “I went to the Christmas party last night. Did you go?”
She looked at me with what I would call a vacuous, mean smile for about two seconds and said, “You’re here because I kissed you, aren’t you?”
“I felt it was only proper,” I said. When I had practiced saying that line while driving to work, it sounded chivalrous. Now it sounded like the most inane thing ever said.
“Proper? You’re so sweet. I don’t think anyone else has ever called me or sent flowers for a mistletoe kiss before!”
And she started laughing. So I laughed too. And then I said, “I know. I was just kidding. I’ll see you around.”
She started typing as soon as I started walking away. From the quick bursts of typing (one sentence of typing, a pause, another sentence) I could tell she was instant messaging someone. And I’m sure I know what it was about: the loser she gave a pity kiss to under the mistletoe who’s now following her around, all in love. That bitch.
I went to the mens’ room, shut myself in a stall, and waited for the shaking to stop.
I just don’t think I can go back and work there.
Isolation Score: 9.99999 (etc.)
Running away from stuff never solves anything. You still have to live with yourself - can’t run away from that.
Find a good therapist, Harlan. You need some help with this corner you’re in regarding human relationships.
Dude, get a grip. you have no idea if she was writing to anyone about you or not. you might want to try some anti-depressants, maybe some welbutrin/lexapro combo would be good.
I know exactly how you feel. I’m on anti-depressants but still get those gut-twisting anxious hours where events repeat over and over again in my head. I know they say it’s not good to run from things, but what I like to do is pretend it never happened. The more you think it, the more everything turns into some blurry dream. I tell someone about it once and then never mention it again. I’ve gotten over a lot of incidents that way.
In all honesty, it would hurt you much worse than it would hurt them. The fact is that you don’t make your surroundings better; you just exist within them.
Forget therapy. No one needs a paid friend (prostitutes excepted). You’re problem is other people’s insensitivity. The fact is that you’re very sensitive and other people need to adjust their behavior accordingly. You need to make it clear to people around you that you’re tired of their insults and mocking.
You need to practice standing up for yourself. Don’t over-think who the person is, or what it is their doing, just tell them to stop it. If someone is listening to a radio and you can hear it, if you don’t like it, tell them to change the channel, or turn it off. If someone heats up some stinky fish in the break room, tell them not to bring that type of food to work anymore.
In my experience most people don’t take a “nice guy” seriously. They may write nice things in your year book like “stay sweet” they will be in no rush go out on a date let alone take their panties off. From your post you sound like a decent guy, but a guy is search of his balls. Women and people in general don’t want a boy or man-child, and even a guy sometimes doesn’t cut it. Acting like a man doesn’t mean being a prick to everyone you meet or treating people like crap. You can start by looking people in the eye when interacting. Work on gaining some self confidence and grow some dignity. No one can please everyone so don’t go out of your way trying. People will like you for who you are or they won’t but act like an agreeable little doormat and no one will take you seriously. I’m not saying to act like an obstinant ass. There is a happy medium to be found. I was painfully shy right up until my early 20’s. I finally came to the realization that I gained nothing by being shy and that I can be perfectly happy by myself. 15 years later I’m happily married and have a good career as a supervisor in healthcare. If you disappeared life at your firm would go on. People exist when you go into the next room and if you leave your firm they will continue on and eventually it will be as if you were never there. I have no illusions. If I left my hosiptal people would carry on as best they could and in spite of a decade of service in a couple of years my name would seldom if ever be brought up. Hell, I doubt I could find more than 1 out of a thousand people at work who remember the name of the CEO who left 6 years ago. Does it matter? Not in the least. He left and moved on and so will I when the time comes. The names change but the world goes on. As for Jane, forget about her. women generally know if they’re attracted to a man fairly quickly. She isn’t. It is probably for the best. Ever heard,”Don’t shit where you eat?” It’s best not to date women from work. Try a little Tom Lykis if you can get his show in your area. He’s a chauvenistic pig, but he’s a smart man with some good advise for a young man searching for his balls. Good luck!
jeu de poker gratuitement
Tun poker game deutsch world poker series 2007 liste jeux casino http www yachting casino texas holdem wahrscheinlichkeiten
trucchi casino on line
El download free suncom ringtones online video poker black jack video poker gratuites en ligne giochi blackjack in linea