so very alone…

I saw her again in the hallway. I probably shouldn’t tell this story because it might make me seem kind of weird, but I think when I finish telling the story, you’ll understand why I have to fight back vomit whenever I see this woman. First, a little background. About a year or so ago, I decided that I was going about relationships all the wrong way. On those rare occasions when I found myself talking to a member of the opposite sex, all I tried to do was say something nice. It dawned on me that I was taking the wrong approach. Being nice may be a way to make friends, I suppose, but it’s no way to take a lover. I needed to be assertive and confident, not meek and kindly. After yet another night of tossing and turning, I vowed that I was going to break out of my shell. I was going to make myself known! 

So I rode my bike into work full of aggressive energy. I took my bowl of Fiber One cereal into the kitchen to get some milk out of the community fridge, and when I was walking back to my cube, it happened — I saw her. I don’t know what her name is, nor do I know which department she works in. All I know is that she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’m frankly surprised that I see her at the office rather than on television, which is where she belongs.

She looked at my bowl of Fiber One cereal, which I admit looks like a Purina product, and said, “Are you going to eat that?” Now if she had said that to me the day before or even a couple hours later, I would have reacted in my normal way, which is to scurry away as fast as possible and then think of an appropriate response in the safe confines of my cubicle. But as I said, I’d worked myself into a tizzy, so here’s what I said:

“Shut up!”

My response startled both of us. I walked away quickly and got so light-headed with fear and excitement that I could barely stand. Popping open the door of the bathroom, I collapsed to the floor and vomited. It’s a silly detail to point out, but I accidentally threw up in the women’s bathroom, which made it worse somehow. So now whenever I see this woman, I try to ignore her. I can taste vomit in the back of my throat, and I tingle inside.

Isolation score: 4

4 Comments »

I can’t believe this is happening! I just noticed that two different people left comments to my blog post from last Friday!

Here is what they said, and their replies. First, here’s Ned:

Ned said:

i think your math is off, and you’re not alone for as long as you say.

do you have any cats?

Actually, Ned, you were right. My math isn’t all that great, but I think my point still stands, which is that weekends are much longer than most people realize.

I do have two cats. Both have been properly neutered. Thanks very much for your comment!

And now, here’s Briget.

Briget said:

Hi Harlan! I found you through Ree’s website (as far as I can tell, most of the World finds their way to The Pioneer Woman), and your feeling of isolation spoke to me.

I am a woman, 55 and married now, but it took me until I was 40 to find, and connect, with the man who became my husband. And it happened because I finally, finally got out of the house and went somewhere.

Nah, I’m not going to preach. You know all this stuff already, I presume.

Looks have nothing to do with it. I wasted most of my 20’s and 30’s thinking “I’m pretty, how come no one’s noticing??” It escaped me that I had to do some of the work.

(Waidda minit - I AM preaching. Oh well, I’m a teacher. Can’t help it).

I hope I made you smile. And, you’re welcome to come over for Thanksgiving with me and my crazy family, if you are in Southern Ohio! If not, then I send you Greetings and Thanksgiving Wishes. I’ll be checking back to see if you found this…because I like to surf online, too…

P.S. Cats are good. Minimal upkeep, no walking, fuzzy and soft aaaand…dogs don’t purr! Right there, cats win, imop.

Briget, you did make me smile, and you make me wish I lived in Ohio, or had enough money to buy a plane ticket to come visit you for Thanksgiving.

No, I promised I wouldn’t lie to myself in this blog. There’s no way I would ever fly somewhere to visit a stranger for Thanksgiving. I would die of a heart attack from the anxiety.

But I still really liked getting your comment. It’s one of the nicest letters I’ve had in a long time. It’s a lot nicer than the phone conversation I had with my sister yesterday, that’s for sure (more about that another time, I don’t want to spoil my good mood).

I’m going to take your message to heart, Brigit. I’m going to find something to do for Thanksgiving, and not just sulk at home by myself!

Isolation Score: 2

1 Comment »

I went to Walmart today, just to get out of the house. Walmart is my favorite store, because when I’m there, I could be anyone. As far as anyone else there is concerned, I might be a guy with a great home life. As far as anyone knows, I’m just running an errand for my wife.

Yep, when I’m at Walmart, I’m just a henpecked husband, doing what he’s told.

If only.

Today, there was a huge crowd around the Christmas lights. I hadn’t thought about it before, but this is the last weekend before Thanksgiving, so it makes sense for people to be buying their Christmas lights now.

As for myself, I have not yet made any Thanksgiving plans.

Anyway, I decided that I would pretend to be buying lights for my house (my house is not pretend, though; I live in a three-bedroom condo), like a good husband would be.

So I went and bought four boxes of lights, two extension cords, and a large box of gutter hooks — everything I need to tastefully decorate my home for the holidays.

I took these things home and put them in my garage. I don’t really plan to actually put these lights up; nobody in my condo development would be fooled.

Probably in June or so, I’ll take all these lights — still in their Walmart bags — to Goodwill and drop them off, where they can do somebody some good.

Was it worth the $74.82 to appear to be a family man to a bunch of strangers I’ll never see again? I guess it was at the time, but now I just feel like an idiot.

Isolation Score: 7.5

1 Comment »

Most people think of weekends as being 48 hours long, but that’s because they’re not doing the math. In addition to all of Saturday and Sunday (48 hours), you also have Friday afternoon / evening (7 hours) and early Monday morning (9 hours) between when you end work on one week and start it the next.

That’s a total of 64 hours, not 48.

By the way, it’s currently Saturday, 3:00am. I’ve been sitting at my computer surfing the web since I got home. I read the news, checked out some Sci Fi newsgroups — I might try starting to post in a couple of those soon, if I can think of anything to say — and bought a couple books from amazon.com.

I love buying stuff from amazon.com. It gives me something to look forward to for the three days it takes for the packages to arrive.

Only 53.75 hours to go until I see another human being.

Isolation Score: 9.9

3 Comments »

I was at the ATM today depositing a refund from my insurance company. While I was filling out the deposit form and signing the back of the check, I noticed a woman behind me. I didn’t get a good look at her, but I did catch enough of a glimpse to know that she was attractive.

My heart raced.

It took me longer than usual to put the deposit slip and check inside the envelope, and the machine was beeping at me, and I thought about what I could say to this woman who seemed to be in a hurry.

Where are you from? No, that wouldn’t work. That’s as bad as What’s your major?

The ATM sucked in my sealed deposit envelope and started spitting out cards and receipts, and I still didn’t know what to say. I was just putting the debit card in my wallet when I started to formulate a good joke. Then she said, “Excuse me” and started working the machine.

I left without saying anything. 

Here’s the joke I was going to say: What’s a nice girl like you doing at an ATM like this? That might have started a conversation.

I can only imagine what could have been.

Isolation Score: 9 

2 Comments »

I look forward to listening to the morning show as I drive into work each day. There are three people: two men and a woman. They don’t play any music, they just talk.

They usually have a few features to take up time: news, weather, sports, that kind of thing. But what I really like is when they’re just talking about their lives. For example, one of them really likes sci-fi (I do too), and the woman’s pregnant right now and is always complaining about her aches and pains.

During a commercial today, I thought I’d call them. Not to get on the radio (I can’t imagine anything worse than hearing my voice on the radio). Just to let them know how much I enjoy their program, maybe tell them how they’re almost like real friends to me.

And then I thought about how it would sound to them: some guy calls, saying how three people he’s never met are his best friends in the world.

Pathetic.

I’m so glad I didn’t call. I know I’d be kicking myself right now if I did. I guess.

Today’s Isolation Score: 8

No Comments »

Welcome. Ha. As if anyone else will ever read this.

So I’ve got a blog now. I suppose this is really no different than keeping a diary or putting a message in a bottle or talking to the ghost of your dead mother.

As long as you can pretend you’re communicating with someone, you stay in practice. You know, just in case a real person wants to talk with you some day.

Today’s Isolation Score (Scale of 1 - 10): 6

3 Comments »