I saw her again in the hallway. I probably shouldn’t tell this story because it might make me seem kind of weird, but I think when I finish telling the story, you’ll understand why I have to fight back vomit whenever I see this woman. First, a little background. About a year or so ago, I decided that I was going about relationships all the wrong way. On those rare occasions when I found myself talking to a member of the opposite sex, all I tried to do was say something nice. It dawned on me that I was taking the wrong approach. Being nice may be a way to make friends, I suppose, but it’s no way to take a lover. I needed to be assertive and confident, not meek and kindly. After yet another night of tossing and turning, I vowed that I was going to break out of my shell. I was going to make myself known! 

So I rode my bike into work full of aggressive energy. I took my bowl of Fiber One cereal into the kitchen to get some milk out of the community fridge, and when I was walking back to my cube, it happened — I saw her. I don’t know what her name is, nor do I know which department she works in. All I know is that she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I’m frankly surprised that I see her at the office rather than on television, which is where she belongs.

She looked at my bowl of Fiber One cereal, which I admit looks like a Purina product, and said, “Are you going to eat that?” Now if she had said that to me the day before or even a couple hours later, I would have reacted in my normal way, which is to scurry away as fast as possible and then think of an appropriate response in the safe confines of my cubicle. But as I said, I’d worked myself into a tizzy, so here’s what I said:

“Shut up!”

My response startled both of us. I walked away quickly and got so light-headed with fear and excitement that I could barely stand. Popping open the door of the bathroom, I collapsed to the floor and vomited. It’s a silly detail to point out, but I accidentally threw up in the women’s bathroom, which made it worse somehow. So now whenever I see this woman, I try to ignore her. I can taste vomit in the back of my throat, and I tingle inside.

Isolation score: 4